Internet connection, 15.
Laptop, 300.
Course in computer programming, 3,000 a year.
Hacking your sister's Facebook to get to her nudes, priceless.
Some things in life, you can't buy, for everything else, there's mastercard.

It's ironic how we show our hatred towards Germany...
...by working our whole life towards collecting pieces of paper with a German lady's picture on it.

Must say, these postal strikes are working in my favour.
The amount of "cash for gold" evenlopes that ive picked up from the depo this week has been well worth popping in to collect.

"Strapped for cash? Sell your pregnancy and baby
items!"
These internet adverts sure do have a way of raising a man's hopes, to bitterly disappoint.

The treasury have said cash-in-hand work costs them billions of pounds every year.
You'd think they'd set a good example and pay VAT like the rest of us.

Pound shops,
Latin name: Primark

My wife didn't seem too bothered when I told her I'd lost my front door key the other night.
Until I explained that the house had been repossessed.

If I had a pound for every business I've failed at,
I could afford to start a beanstalk farm.

I was never around when my son was growing up but I've been trying to make it up to him recently.
Well, he needs someone to look after him. There will be a lot of people trying to take advantage when they find out about his 127m lottery win.

Now that I'm married, I keep a photo of my family where I used to keep my money when I was single.

I spent my life's savings on a disused goldmine.
My friends keep having a dig.

A report says that a growing number of Britons are worth 1 million.
The bad news is last year they were worth 5 million

I've got a pony in my pocket.
Or at least that's what I tell all the girls.

How comes, when you have a girlfriend all they want is your wood. But when you get married, all they want is your paper?

I knew my finances were bad, but I didn't realise how bad they were until I put my card in the cash machine today.
The machine swallowed my card and a message popped up saying, 'GAME OVER'

Checking your bank statements and realising the Council Tax direct debit doesn't go out this month feels just like winning 100 on a scratch card.

I have always told my children not to marry for money; you can borrow it more cheaply.

I was so stressed at being behind in the mortgage repayments I ended up punching my three year old in the mouth.
It should get me about 100 from the tooth fairy.

Why did Americans invent drive-in banks?
So that cars could occasionally be seen by their owners.

I've just bought a pub for a pound.
Bar gain.

My girlfriend's been trying to help me with my finances.
I think I'd be better off a loan.

What do you find at the bottom of a Jewish wishing well?
Dead Jews with broken rappels.

They say money can't buy happiness.
Not once have I seen a tramp with a smile on his face.

My wallet is like an onion.
When I open it, it makes me cry.

Why do Jews make great athletes?
They instinctively go for the gold.