I just went to change some pounds into dollars at the bank and they gave me an IOU.

I was feeling particularly generous this year so I got a present for an Ethiopian child.
A nice shiny two-pound coin. Apparently it will feed him for a month.
Probably won't do his teeth any good though.

After my wife said I was tightfisted, I've finally agreed to let my kids get their faces painted.
It gives me the chance to get rid of those old tins of gloss in the shed.

The pound sterling, and Scottish football.
Both on a steep decline, both completely useless in Europe.

Woke up this morning and caught my Jewish room mate checking under his bed to see if he'd lost any sleep.

By using my employee discount at work I've managed to make a profit
However, it turns out theres 'No such thing' as employees discount at the Bank of England and I am now in jail

So Ireland are bankrupt and they want the UK to bail them out. I'll do my part by buying some guinness.

I feel sorry for the old guy on the Wonga advert....
He only borrowed a fiver when he was a kid and is still working to pay it off.

Maybe poor people don't even like food, we don't know.

I asked Mark Zuckerberg for advice on how to become a millionaire.
He told me to invest a billion in Facebook.

I have the perfect solution to solve all your debt problems in one go.
Money.

I had a meeting with my bank manager to discuss charges to my account but he was ten minutes late.
He said, "I'm sorry about this. Shall we start?"
I said, "I'm afraid that your excuse is unacceptable. I'm going to have you charge you thirty five quid for the first minute you were late and fifteen quid for every minute there after".

The Joseph Rowntree Foundation lists scores of key indicators of poverty in the U.K split into eight main categories.
Over the last few years I have been working on a way of simplifying the process and I'm proud to say that after much testing I have now confirmed that I have a method to diagnose poverty using one simple question.
Have you, or anyone you are close to, eaten in a Wimpy during the last three years?

Bank balances are like Sickipedia jokes.
They only get read if it doesn't have a minus in front of it.

Travis McCoy: ''I wanna be a billionaire, so so bad...''
No problem mate. Just grab a tenner and book a seat on the next flight to Zimbabwe and you're sorted..

Just signed for a mortgage.
Only 25 years and all the petrol in my fuel tank will be mine.

People refuse to believe I had a tough upbringing just because my family home was quite big.
I realise that the house looks big, but the whole of the East Wing was servants' quarters.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life.
If I die next Tuesday.

I saved a lot of money on my car insurance...
...By driving with no car insurance.

I always stop at the petrol station on the way to work on a Monday morning and fill up...
Who wouldn't shed a tear looking at those prices.

I saved a life today.
I asked a tramp, "How will you feel if I give you 100 dollars?"
He replied, "I'll die of happiness."
So I didn't give it to him.

Like millions of people in this country I have a really taxing job.
Counting my benefits.

The McCanns have stated that of the 2 million pound "find maddie fund"
only 300,000 remains, that's more than enough to find Maddie.
57pp return flights with airflights.co.uk
spades, 2 of, 14.96.
Total 128.96
Sorted.

What you need to make clear when you ask your mate if he wants to "split" a hooker with you:
Bring Money.
Bring Condoms.
Bring an Axe.

I won a load of money in the bookies yesterday and my mate said, "I hope you're going to spread the wealth then."
"Of course I will." So I put some in my back pocket, some in my top pocket and the rest in my wallet.