It's surprising how far a fiver goes these days.
I walked all around Waitrose and still came out with it in my hand.

If I had three farthings, two shillings and sixpence for every time my gran moaned about the metric system...

How much is 'half a monkey' worth in London?
Not much, it's dead.

I've found a way to save a fortune on expensive repairs whenever my engine starts making a funny noise.
I just turn the radio up full blast and carry on driving.

I opted for a bit of change in my life... So I went begging.

I like to show off my wealth.
By not putting the trolley back at asda to get my pound.

Whoever says, "Money doesn't bring you happiness"
can give me some.

If I had a pound for everytime someone said if I had a pound......

I've just impressed a girl online by telling her I've been offered a new job with a 10 figure salary.
I love working in Zimbabwe.

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones...

If I had a pound for every brain cell Dappy has, I'd be in debt.

I'm not in debt, I'm just big-loaned...

Some people walk around in a Ferrari shirt to give the impression they have a Ferrari. I am that poor I have the Ferrari coat hanger, that way people think I have the shirt.

My Mum says I need to learn the value of money, but I don't see the point.
It's written on the side of it.

TODAY'S STOCK MARKETS:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationery.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

My wife complains that I can never see 'the big picture'.
So I've taken out a loan from Wonga.com and bought a 52" television.

What do vending machines and black people have in common?
Neither of them ever work, and they keep stealing your money.

I've thought it through and through and finally decided that dwelling on my past is not appropriate and I need to look towards the future..
So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

I have no money but my wife has piles.

After falling into serious debt, I turned to Wonga...
and blamed them.

I was at the office Christmas party last night and popped out of the hotel to get some money out the cash machine. This woman approached me and said Give me 40 and Ill do anything you want so I gave her the 40 and told her to double glaze my house.

Gift Tokens.
Preventing your errant Grandson from spending his Christmas money on drugs and knives since 1932.

Latest News: The Greek football team returned to their hotel In South Africa to find they had been robbed.
Their government really is getting desperate.

i told my wife i had come into some money and i was going to let her spend it all...
you should have seen her face when i gave her two ten pounds notes stuck together..

The British chambers of commerce expects the economy to "Bounce back" in 2010.
That's all well and good, but all my cheques are going to bounce next week.