I found myself turning into a vampire last night.
My car hit Hilary Devey on a street corner.

Dear Children
When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me.
Sincerely The Bogeyman

Twilight is so pointless i mean why do they not just have a threesome and have it done with instead of wasting my time with all of these films.

I took out four zombies with my baseball bat last night,and unbelievably the Police have put me up on a murder charge.
I honestly didnt realise it was my wife and her friends with face packs on.

Went to the library today and asked have you got any books on mysterious disappearances?
The librarian said " Well, they used to be over there......"

I had to see Twilight last night, just to satisfy what all the fuss was about. Talk about far fetched or what ...
Vegetarians being strong and not one of them has an irritable bowel.

Sanitary towels;
Dracula's teabags.

I hated being a vampire, back in the day.

So the wife left me today..
I guess replying " just go out without your makeup on" when she asked what was the cheapest way for her to dress up as a zombie for Halloween wasn't such a great idea

I just bought a great DVD/CD burner it's great, just one small problem, it only burns Twilight DVDs or Justin Bieber CDs. However on the plus side,
if I have a girl over, it also doubles as a fireplace.

As any zombie will agree, the most important thing to look for in a woman is brains

I rubbed a magic lamp and wished for the genie to not wear any underwear.
He said, "Your wish is me Commando?"

I honestly don't know why everyone is making such a fuss about their relationship. Mine is a walk in the park. Admittedly with a dog, but a walk in the park nonetheless.

Top Tip
Girls date a zombie. He'll love you for your Brains.

Shrewd move by Hollywood film bosses to film parts of World War Z in Glasgow. Why spends millions on extra's dressed up a flesh eating, mindless crazy fools when you can just video kicking out time in the pubs?

My mate said vampires can't be real as they could get AIDs from peoples blood,
I replied back "It depends on the colour of the person they bite"

I was a vampire when I was a child.
Those were the nights.

"It's time to stand up and be counted."
I said to a lazy Dracula at his initiation ceremony.

Went to a zombie party last night.
It was dead at first but eventually things started coming alive.

I wish my wife was more like the wanted.
She's never glad I came.

What did Goldilocks say to the Three Bears?
"How did you make porridge without opposable thumbs?"

Fairy tales are so unrealistic.
It's not the dragons, or the witches, or even all the magic.
It's the fact that there are all those sleeping princesses, and not once do you hear about them being the victims of opportunist rapists.

When it comes to chat up lines, vampires don't have much luck.
"Have you got a mirror in your knickers love? because I can't see myself in there tonight."

My workmates accused me of being delusional.
So I downed my pint of unicorn tears and flew away on my Pegasus.

This Hallowe'en I'm saving money on zombie DVD's. I live in Stoke, it's chucking out time and I've just opened the curtains