What's long, makes women wet and makes men disgusted if someone gets it out?
A Twilight DVD

Really Professor, Do you really believe there are such creatures as vampires?
"Herr Doctor, there are many things in this world that we simply cannot comprehend
So these small puncture marks on her neck are from the fangs of this devilish fiend?!
Im afraid so, draining the very life out of her in the process
She looks so peaceful and beautiful, I cant believe shes dead
Shes not! She is what we call one of the undead
I take it Professor she would have all human responses but retain no consciousness of anything that took place in this realm?
Exactly!
Are .. you.. thinking what Im thinking Professor?
Yes! Ill close the curtains. You go first, Herr Doctor, I dont mind sloppy seconds.

I was thinking of putting fangs on my canine teeth to make me look more like a vampire and have the many girls who read the Twilight series chasing after me.
But I think perhaps with my weight problem, I'd look more like a baby walrus.

How tragic would it be if a vampire got AIDS off of one of it's victims?

I told my vampire friend I had a cure for his affliction.
He thought he would never see the day.

Twilight, taking the "n" out of "vampire fangs" since 2007

I was in Tesco earlier and the cashier said she felt like a zombie.
Better safe than sorry I thought, so I stabbed her in the eye with a pen.

Zombies - The only people who hate fast food.

I asked Medusa if she'd just had her hair done.
If looks could kill.

I did something really stupid last night and now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
I should never have told that vampire she could bite me.

On reflection, vampires aren't that scary.

Why are there no vampires on Facebook?
Because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.

Vegetarian Zombies;
They want your grains.

I went out thieving with a couple of vampires the other day. They put me up on their shoulders so I could reach stuff. I got arrested and charged with shoplifting on two counts.

A vampire walks into a bar, "Pint of blood, landlord." he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, "Pint of your finest blood, please." he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says, "A mug of hot water, barman."
The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks, "Why would you want that? We serve the finest blood in all town!"
The vampire then held up a used tampon and answered, "I'm making tea."

Turns out that smashing a stake through a vampire's heart works, even if your wife's not a vampire.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Edward Cullen.
He doesn't bite people, he looks like he resides in the woods, and he sparkles. Face it, he's not a real vampire. He's a fairy.

I was watching Twilight the other day and I'd have to say my favourite scene by far was about 21 minutes and 38 seconds in, when my electricity ran out.

I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on 'Your Account'.

Unicorns are basically horses with strap-ons...

Given the speed at which the human body actually decomposes in the open air, and is completely eaten away by flies, maggots, and bacteria, it seems that all we have to do to survive the zombie apocalypse is just stay indoors for a few days.

One of my cats is called Maddie. Literally just for the grave stone in the garden when she dies.

Vampires won't bother with Keith Richards.
You can't get blood from a stone.

When I get to the age where I can't walk properly I'm going to dress up like a zombie...
and follow somebody.