In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Ever since those so called Obamas have got in, I keep reading about how they're going to be the next Kennedys.
As far as I'm concerned, no one can replace Karl and Susan from Neighbours.

I just got skylights put in my place.
The woman upstairs is furious.

My next door Neighbour's Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me. I was touched.
A few minutes later, so was she.

The girl next door has beautiful soft skin.
I'm wearing it right now.

If I ever win the lottery, all of my neighbours are going to be so rich!
I'm going to move to a rich neighbourhood.

Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me. Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us. So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!
Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Talk about bad timing...

My neighbours have been listening to music all night! I love my stereo.

When I moved into my new house one of my neighbours came round and asked if I wanted to sign up for the Neighbourhood Watch.
Obviously I refused, given my wife had only just bought me one for my birthday and I could look at it any time I wanted to.

My neighbours called the cops on me again for playing the drums at 3 in the morning.
They should just buy me a set so I can practice in my own house.

I thought I'd caught my neighbour spying on me with their binoculars last night.
It was just my reflection in their bedroom mirror though.

Child: 'Mummy! Mummy! Are little birds made of metal?'
Mum: 'Of course not, dear. Why do you think that?'
Child: 'Daddy just said he'd like to screw the bird next door!'

My neighbours listen to some amazing music, whether they like it or not.

I think my new neighbours are really poor...
you should have heard the fuss they made when their 2 year old kid swallowed a 10 pence coin earlier

My internet went down yesterday.
I think my cheap neighbour forgot to pay the bill. how irresponsible

My neighbours are so inconsiderate. They're out, and for the last 2hrs I've had to listen to the incessant beeping of their smoke detector.

My neighbour from Prague, turned up uninvited at my party at home. He brought all his friends and family and my house ended up full of Czechs.
It took 3-5 working days to clear them.

convince your neighbours that evolution is working backwards by not shaving for a week, walking to your car gradually more stooped each morning and wearing a monkey costume on the Friday.

Neighbour: "I was wondering if you could check your shed only my Cat has gone missi.."
Me: "-Before we go any further, Margaret, is there a reward?"
Neighbour: "Well, Yes...I imagine..?"
Me: "-How much?"
Neighbour: "I suppose, Twenty pounds?"
Me: "In that case, No, I haven't seen your cat.."
"Which is a shame because I did hear a noise..."
Neighbour: "Oh really, what sort of a noise?"
Me: "...Kind of like a Fifty pound-noise"

My next door neighbour was desperate to go shopping and asked me to watch her kids that evening...
...apparently, through their bedroom window, whilst wearing a nappy and nipple clamps wasn't what she had in mind.

I've had enough of my blonde next door neighbour...
It's time to make a move on her mum.

"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."
"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."
"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."

What's the one word beginning with N and ending with R that you don't want to call a black person?
"Neighbour!"

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.