I bought a book the other day called "Do things for you, make friends that aren't looking for somebody to take advantage of". It was really expensive but apparently it's very good, can't wait till my mate finishes reading it.

I ordered a Long Sleeve England Football Shirt at 10% off.
When it arrived it was a Short sleeve.

The download speed of my Sky broadband service is so slow, that if it gets any slower, it will start uploading

I take apart more IKEA furniture than all the other people on my street put together.

Uproar in Manchester after they finally hear of the Oasis split

David Cameron employing Andy Coulson what next, a butcher employing maggots?

I took the first job I was offered, with gocompare.com
I was subsequently fired

It took me a great deal to win last nights poker game.

If you're struggling to make sense of it all and don't know where to turn, just step back and try to see the big picture.
Art galleries aren't for everyone.

They lived like wild animals,they neither smoked nor drank.

No one will serve me in Argos. All I want is a watch with a leather strap on.

Grandad died yesterday. he fell to his death cleaning the Clock Face of Big Ben.
It was Six Thirty , he had nothing to hang on to.

What did Mr T say when an alien from Tatooine got on his nerves?
Quit yo jibba... Jabba!

Piers are just bridges built by lazy people.

If I didn't have such a huge ego,
I'd be perfect.

Daves' face lit up when we shoved a torch down his mouth.

When you take a shower, where do you put it?

I drink, therefore I am.

Why is it these days kids always scream when they're playing?

Sock + Sandle = Beard

Martin Luther King Jr, proving to terrified kids everywhere that your dreams CAN harm you since 1968.

I went to a pantomime the other day.
Bring your own boos

If an Octopus loses a tentacle does it become a heptopus?

Anyone else wonder why deaf people still have ears?

What's a woman's favourite element? Iron.