At the moment i really am living the dream, unfortunately for me, its the dream of a schitzophrenic rapist

I had to buy a belt sander - I couldn't quite get the leather through the little loops on my jeans.

I went to a pantomime the other day.
Bring your own boos

If an Octopus loses a tentacle does it become a heptopus?

What's a woman's favourite element? Iron.

We were that poor when we were young that we went into KFC to lick peoples fingers.

I'm not saying Dad's dandruff is bad, but the blokes at work call him Narnia.

Incompetent cardiologists break my heart.

Did you know it is national Pantomime and lie day today?
Oh no it's not.

I suddenly woke up and realised that I was dressed like a Bangkok ladyboy!
Apparently that terrorist misunderstood "Tie Him Up!"

Self-diagnosed Tourette's sufferers Tic every box.

Microsoft buy Skype from Ebay. Top-rated seller.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

To be perfectly honest, I only ever do over the statutory limit when I'm driving.

My wife's weight problems are all behind her.

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

Al Qaeda planned to bomb Ritz?!
Are they crackers??!!

Women's football is like horse racing with cows

Turns out my wife is a thrill seeker, so I've started throwing her the dishes.

I used to be excellent at foreplay, but since developing arthritis I've lost my touch.

How did anyone notice the difference in Liverpool to tell there was rioting going on there?

My career's looking up, I'm a gynaecologist.

My wife's obsession with temporary tattoos is starting to rub off on me.

Al-Qaeda school makes me suicidal.

Women are alright but you can't beat the real thing.