I had to buy a belt sander - I couldn't quite get the leather through the little loops on my jeans.

I went to a pantomime the other day.
Bring your own boos

If an Octopus loses a tentacle does it become a heptopus?

Martin Luther King Jr, proving to terrified kids everywhere that your dreams CAN harm you since 1968.

What's a woman's favourite element? Iron.

We were that poor when we were young that we went into KFC to lick peoples fingers.

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I'm not saying Dad's dandruff is bad, but the blokes at work call him Narnia.

Incompetent cardiologists break my heart.

Did you know it is national Pantomime and lie day today?
Oh no it's not.

I suddenly woke up and realised that I was dressed like a Bangkok ladyboy!
Apparently that terrorist misunderstood "Tie Him Up!"

Self-diagnosed Tourette's sufferers Tic every box.

Microsoft buy Skype from Ebay. Top-rated seller.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

To be perfectly honest, I only ever do over the statutory limit when I'm driving.

My wife's weight problems are all behind her.

Al Qaeda planned to bomb Ritz?!
Are they crackers??!!

Al-Qaeda school makes me suicidal.

My wife's obsession with temporary tattoos is starting to rub off on me.

My career's looking up, I'm a gynaecologist.

How did anyone notice the difference in Liverpool to tell there was rioting going on there?

Turns out my wife is a thrill seeker, so I've started throwing her the dishes.

I used to be excellent at foreplay, but since developing arthritis I've lost my touch.

Women's football is like horse racing with cows

I don't mind being a child's toy, its just when people twist the key in my back, it really winds me up