My mate reckons I never pick up on his use of hyperbole.
Well that's an understatement.

I just found out my local brothel is doing a new promotion!
So if you want to come along, Feel Free!

Quadriplegics - you gotta hand it to them...

The closest thing my wife gets to another man is Russell Hobbs.

Having rhythm is important, I had that drummed into me from an early age.

My phones been on the blink a lot recently. Must be an eye phone.

Having no opinion is not enough; you also have to be incapable of expressing it.

If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

152 years ago today Darwin's Theory of Evolution was published - We've come a long way since then.

An i for an i makes everything -1.

What do you call someone from Norwich who has no brother's or sisters?
A virgin.

My wife told me that she is leaving me due to my obsession with the Olympics.
I told her i'm sure we'll overcome this hurdle together and get our marriage back on track

I couldn't believe it when my wife said I doubt everything she says.

It would be just like me to clone myself.

Why is there no mouse flavoured cat food?

i rolled up a carpet and smoked it.
I'm on the hard rugs

A business deal is only a good deal when you can convince the taxman it was no deal.

Our economy is so bad, Lent next year will be called borrowed.

Hairdressers, they're a dyeing breed.

I'm the best at sponsored silences, if I don't say so myself.

The best way of getting over someone is getting on top of someone else.

Surely memory foam mattresses should remind you what her name is?

If Darren Bent is worth 24 million...
...how much is Sandra Redknapp worth??

Went to the doctors today, he said i think you might have John McEnroe syndrome
i said..YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS !

Isn't it ironic that fat people wear joggers?