If Darren Bent is worth 24 million...
...how much is Sandra Redknapp worth??

Surely memory foam mattresses should remind you what her name is?

The best way of getting over someone is getting on top of someone else.

I'm the best at sponsored silences, if I don't say so myself.

Our economy is so bad, Lent next year will be called borrowed.

Chickens...
...stuff 'em.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

The company Booker has bought Makro today for 139 million....
plus VAT.

And then 15 officers were running after me down the alleyway.
Sorry, I like to cut to the chase

Over the years, the wife's love of fake tan has rubbed off on me.

I used to live in London as a baby.
It was probably the worse diguise ever.

I'm surprised Led Zeppelin took off.

My wife says I'm too picky, she's always calling me "President of the Pedantic Society"
I hate it, she knows full well that I'm vice president.

So theres this one song from Coldplay.......

I'm quite the expert on palmistry, I've written a handbook

I've Just finished the school run.
I won it fairly easily, they're only 7

I see, therefore i am...not blind

I was going to be a Milkman, But unfortunantly i bottled it.

Growing up I didn't want to follow my father into the rodeo business, but he roped me into it.

A true friend is someone you can call at 3am to help you bury a dead body.

I just lost my job as a tight rope walker,
They decided to cut me loose.

I offered a pregnant woman a seat on the bus today. She refused, but it was for the best. She was probably too big for my lap anyway.

Who does Frank talk to when he has a drug problem?

I used to feel like a man in woman's body..
Then my Mum gave birth.

I got drunk last night. Mind you, thats what I get for sitting in a cup of tea.