Growing up I didn't want to follow my father into the rodeo business, but he roped me into it.

I was going to be a Milkman, But unfortunantly i bottled it.

I see, therefore i am...not blind

I just need to clear something up: does this broom work?

I am in no shape to exercise.

I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything... but if I make it to 2013, I will have survived my 5th "end of the world" so far!

I was driving down a country road when this woman flagged me down. She came to my window and said "I could really use a lift" I said "you're hairs lovely and you've lost weight" Then I drove off.

We now go live to Geoff Shreeves, who is in the Barcelona dressing room informing each player individually that they will not be playing in the final.

It takes alot of hands on training to become a professional masturbator.

This wouldn't have happened the Fritzls.

It's shocking how people can mock the death of a child, truly shocking.

Just watched a movie called 'The Vice'.
It was gripping stuff.

Love is blind..........just like the women I date.

So what's it like hearing voices in your head, I hear you ask?

Sunbeds.
Proof that some women can change a light bulb.

My girlfriend left me because I never keep things to myself.

People's choice of pet says a lot about them, especially parrots.

I heard a rumour that DFS have a Christmas sale on?

What's the difference between Christmas and Ramadan?
At Christmas it's the crackers that go pop

I was going to ask out a girl who works un-feathering chickens, but I couldn't pluck up the courage to ask.

If I had a pound for every stray dog I kept, I wouldn't have to put them in the garden shed.

Telling an emo girl who was crying to "cut it out", probably wasn't a great idea.

African-Americans believe that disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Isn't it great when you gob on the beach? It just turns into a Haribo sweet.

Turns out Dirty Dancing wasn't what I thought it was.