I was going to be a Milkman, But unfortunantly i bottled it.

I see, therefore i am...not blind

Love is blind..........just like the women I date.

I just need to clear something up: does this broom work?

I am in no shape to exercise.

I used to feel like a man in woman's body..
Then my Mum gave birth.

I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything... but if I make it to 2013, I will have survived my 5th "end of the world" so far!

I was driving down a country road when this woman flagged me down. She came to my window and said "I could really use a lift" I said "you're hairs lovely and you've lost weight" Then I drove off.

We now go live to Geoff Shreeves, who is in the Barcelona dressing room informing each player individually that they will not be playing in the final.

It takes alot of hands on training to become a professional masturbator.

This wouldn't have happened the Fritzls.

It's shocking how people can mock the death of a child, truly shocking.

Just watched a movie called 'The Vice'.
It was gripping stuff.

Sunbeds.
Proof that some women can change a light bulb.

My girlfriend left me because I never keep things to myself.

People's choice of pet says a lot about them, especially parrots.

I heard a rumour that DFS have a Christmas sale on?

What's the difference between Christmas and Ramadan?
At Christmas it's the crackers that go pop

I was going to ask out a girl who works un-feathering chickens, but I couldn't pluck up the courage to ask.

If I had a pound for every stray dog I kept, I wouldn't have to put them in the garden shed.

Telling an emo girl who was crying to "cut it out", probably wasn't a great idea.

African-Americans believe that disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

So what's it like hearing voices in your head, I hear you ask?

Just been out and bought the new Syrian Perfume.
Poor Homs.

I'm a raging alcoholic, it's okay though my girlfriend loves the Irish accent.