If I had a pound for every stray dog I kept, I wouldn't have to put them in the garden shed.

I was going to ask out a girl who works un-feathering chickens, but I couldn't pluck up the courage to ask.

What's the difference between Christmas and Ramadan?
At Christmas it's the crackers that go pop

I heard a rumour that DFS have a Christmas sale on?

People's choice of pet says a lot about them, especially parrots.

My girlfriend left me because I never keep things to myself.

Sunbeds.
Proof that some women can change a light bulb.

I used to go on MSN news. Now i just wait for an hourly update on here.

What do you call a law-abiding city with a lisp?
Ethics.

I attempted to sabotage the World Fencing Championship recently, but I was foiled.

Whenever I talk to a Chinese person, I always feel like my face is blurry.

I had my first Waltz lesson last night. It all seemed to be going well when my partner said to me, "You might want to take half a step back babe, there's no groin contact in a Waltz". I wonder if that's why they call it Ballroom...

We Muslims like our marriages the same way we like our flowers.
Arranged.

Has anyone else noticed that 'Latino' is just another word for greasy?

Is it only me who has noticed the Glory Sheikhers sat behind Alex Ferguson?

Liverpudlians, failing to make a stand since 15th April 1989!

I PAD
Giving window lickers a chance in life since 2010

What do you call a little German who lives in a tin?
Heinz.

The difference between obese and thin people is HUGE..

My friend once told me that I am socially awkward.
I didn't know what to say.

There is no need to contradict a woman. She'll do it herself sooner or later.

I've come up with more irrelevant similes than a cat on a hot tin roof.

My girlfriend's called Aoife, which has all but one vowel in it, so I send the same message to her while I'm at work:
To Aoife. Missing u always

I lost my job at lastminute.com for being persistently late.

Believe it or not, but 100% of computer users die.