My girlfriend's called Aoife, which has all but one vowel in it, so I send the same message to her while I'm at work:
To Aoife. Missing u always

I've come up with more irrelevant similes than a cat on a hot tin roof.

There is no need to contradict a woman. She'll do it herself sooner or later.

My friend once told me that I am socially awkward.
I didn't know what to say.

Why do the taliban have to make a song and dance out of everything?

Lets try and keep my Parkinson's out of ttthiiiss.

They say laughter is the best medicine, so when I ask girls out they must think I am sick.

When asked who their favourite Rice Krispie character is, most people make a Snap decision.

I've been beside myself with worry since being diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I've got a new blank chess board. Check it out.

Jews are usually so good with savings.
Ironically, they couldn't save themselves.

I failed my chair exam.
I have to resit.

Michael Owen, Owen Hargreaves and Emile Heskey walk into a bar .... and ask for jobs.

It really shows the stupidity of the Americans when the Africans speak better English than they do.

There was a head on collision involving a milk float and a blood mobile. Both drivers got 3 pints on their license.

Sometimes I wish I was black . . .
Kinda rules out being Ginger.

It's funny how people change.Although, apparently that's not a valid excuse for lurking around Debenham's changing rooms.

I'm a one line kind of guy
But I can pop pills all night.

My girlfriend said to me today, "Do you not find me attractive anymore?"
I said, "you'll have to speak up love, I can't hear you through the bag."

I've been putting in the hours at my new job at Kwik-Fit, it's tyring work.

Unfortunately, there is no "I" in the word "Ego".

If a ginger person leaves a suicide note,
Does anybody read it?

To be honest, I'd have to stop telling lies.

My mrs.brought home 30 knickerbocker glories! I'll never eat those in a month of sundaes!

Vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices.