Lets try and keep my Parkinson's out of ttthiiiss.

To be blunt, I don't like sharpened pencils.

So what happens to recycling bins when they're not needed?

My new club for condom lovers is 'Members Only'.

As a shoplifter, I find supermarket doors alarming.

Is it bad taste to write 'First' on a dead friends facebook wall?

I poured a can of Lilt on my wife yesterday.
I love tropical humour.

It's OK for me to make Dead Baby jokes.
One of my best friends is a dead baby.

My parents made a lot of sacrifices when I was growing up.
They were Satanists.

A Lorry carrying Multi Purpose Cleaner has overturned on the Motorway.
Locals say its the worst case of Flash Flooding that they've ever seen.

I like Ginsters up to a point. The point just after the "n".

my friends call me mr uncertaincy, but im not so sure about that.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

My pregnant girlfriend fell down the stairs. Luckily the baby was still born.

What I lack in experience I make up for in cliches.

My wife left me because of my obsession with helium balloons..
I let her go.

I've forgotten more than most people know about amnesia.

Obesity is an increasingly weighty issue nowadays...

I got food poisoning from 'dinosaur meat' the other day.
I ate it Roar.

I sneaked a gun into my trial to shoot the 12 jurors.
Who can blame me?

No wonder the whole of the United States are inbred, considering they're all descended from their four fathers.

Has anybody else ever noticed that market sounds a bit like meerkat?
Remarkable.

Revenge is a dish best served with laxatives.

I slept like a rock last night.
Outside.

Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.