My mother-in-law came over yesterday. I made sure I used bull's milk in her cup of tea.

You know you're bored when: It's 5.30 am and your sat in your boxers watching Countdown with anagrammer,com open :/

Chris brown had the right idea. Driving a lamborghini is awesome

I'm having some prosthetic toes fitted tomorrow.
New changes are afoot.

Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done

Since when did bull faeces become so untrustworthy?

I've just sawn the legs off my bed. I need to lie low for a while.

Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.

I was thinking of becoming a suicide bomber but they only did temp work.

Would the head of a midget crime gang still be known as Mr Big?

"I'm flying without wings."
So you're just walking then?

I was told that practise makes perfect, which is why I was never any good at anagrams

I became a member of the Secret Seven. It was so secret, I didn't know who the other six were.

I believe in honesty with my kids.
When they say "Daddy, what will I be when I grow up ?" I tell them "disappointed".

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, unless you're the back end of a pantomime horse.

I wanted to be a milkman, I just didn't have the bottle!!"

I'm standing up for my right to have disability benefits.

I don't get jokes about Botox, a bit high brow for me.

Glue. It's not to be sniffed at.

Microwave (noun): a gesture used by midgets and dwarves to express greetings, recognition or when departing.

Love can't be bought.
But you can rent it.

What's the difference between my wife and a corpse?
One's bloated and can often be found in a fridge..
And the other one's dead.

Due to the amount of complaints we have been receiving, jokes about handicap people have been disabled

I've given up trying to convince people that I'm not a quitter.

Why whenever I click my pen in Africa, do the locals think I'm talking to them?