"[Dubstep] basically sounds like constipation therapy"

My wife gives good headache.

It's my fault that I have self blame issues.

Condoms should be used in all conceivable occasions.

So, if you have a Local Area Network in Australia, is that the LAN down under.

Since her stroke, my Mum's become so two-faced.

Can you picture a world without impossible visualised situations?

I just had a bake sale.
Hotcakes didn't sell as well as we'd been told they would.

Not saying my husband has got a big nose, but he's the only person I know that can smoke in the shower!

A little box keeps popping up on the screen.
Double glazing or triple glazing.
Must be a windows update.

I was watching my wife on the toilet earlier when I thought, "She should use a stepladder if she can't reach the lightbulb."

An eye for an eye means my new Eyepatch business is booming.

I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

I was attacked by a Brazilian street gang once but managed to get away... close shave.

For such a pessimistic, cynical and extremist lot, I'm surprised at how many people on here are married.

No phrase sums up an orphanage open day more than "finders keepers, losers weepers".

If I was any more street... I would be homeless

I've started going to the Gym to workout.
I'm trying to workout how to look good without lifting those big heavy bars.

The teacher asked, " Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?"
"Well," one alert pupil answered, "the days are much longer in summer.

Every dubstep musician used to be that kid who could burp the alphabet, they all just somehow managed to make a career out of it.

Women are only good for one thing,two if they can cook.

A light switch...because who wants a heavy one?

I often reminisce about adverbs, now and again.

I was giving Tulisa a hug earlier and now i cant find my wallet.

Tried out some new itching powder today but it wasn't up to scratch..!