My druggie neighbour's got a high opinion of himself.

"Roll up, roll up..."
said the tour guide at the cigarette museum

I'm naming my new yacht "Drug Deal Gone Right."

Was driving around the neighbourhood where I grew up today.
As I sat there, with the car in reverse, It really took me back.

Does anyone know the name of that black guy who plays for Wigan Athletic?

My wife thinks I'm too critical.
Thats a fault of hers.

Just got back from a typical labour strong hold...
...or Asda as its commonly known.

If you think that your too small in this world to make an impact, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.

There are two types of people in this World, those who finish what they start and

Today, my maths teacher made work out 50 moving averages. I thought it was a pretty mean thing to do.

Do you ever had that feeling that you're being watched? Yeah that's me.

Duck pluckers get me down.

What's the difference between stinking immigrants and Colgate.
You're less likely to find a tube full of Colgate.

Electric goods manuals are too hard to understand these days.
I'm not sure about you but I can't speak that many languages.

Nothing says "I'm a fat, ugly slag with a 400 car" quite like a 'Babe on board' window sign...

A Policeman saved my life last night, he stopped hitting me with his baton.

I can't stand people who contradict themselves, they're alright.

I like how the 'Delete Browsing History' is in the safety part of the toolbar !

A rolling stone gathers no moss, ....... that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

Where's the best place to weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow!

I hate people who are indirect, you know who you are.

I've had a spectacular day.
It was in 1997, I think.

Recent evidence shows that Princess Dianas' driver was on drugs at the time of the crash.
Speed and Smack.

NEWS:
baby killed by lamp post falling on top of pram.
At the time the Mother was asking for a light.

Sky News "US woman to be executed with IQ between 70 and 72"
So 71?