"Roll up, roll up..."
said the tour guide at the cigarette museum

I'm naming my new yacht "Drug Deal Gone Right."

Was driving around the neighbourhood where I grew up today.
As I sat there, with the car in reverse, It really took me back.

Does anyone know the name of that black guy who plays for Wigan Athletic?

My wife went out to buy a new car but all she came back with was a bar stool.
Apparently, it's the new Seat.

My wife thinks I'm too critical.
Thats a fault of hers.

Nothing says "I'm a fat, ugly slag with a 400 car" quite like a 'Babe on board' window sign...

Just got back from a typical labour strong hold...
...or Asda as its commonly known.

I can't stand people who contradict themselves, they're alright.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, ....... that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

I like how the 'Delete Browsing History' is in the safety part of the toolbar !

Electric goods manuals are too hard to understand these days.
I'm not sure about you but I can't speak that many languages.

A Policeman saved my life last night, he stopped hitting me with his baton.

What's the difference between stinking immigrants and Colgate.
You're less likely to find a tube full of Colgate.

Duck pluckers get me down.

Do you ever had that feeling that you're being watched? Yeah that's me.

Today, my maths teacher made work out 50 moving averages. I thought it was a pretty mean thing to do.

There are two types of people in this World, those who finish what they start and

If you think that your too small in this world to make an impact, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.

The hardest part of my Nan's death, was pushing her.

Feminism: making muslims look attractive since 1960.

I'm disappointed that Graeme Garden didn't get a knighthood in the NY honours list, really want his wife to become "Lady Garden".

A boy stabbed his father in a row about a playstation 3 game.
The boy was quoted to be "Devastated at his own behaviour"
I dont see why.
Im always chuffed when i get a melee kill.

My Mum always said that my brother and I were like two peas in a pod.
Disappointing

i went into a fancy dress shop yesterday and asked if they had any long sticks used for jousting at medievil events, they said they didn't stock them.
You just can't get the Staff these days