i went into a fancy dress shop yesterday and asked if they had any long sticks used for jousting at medievil events, they said they didn't stock them.
You just can't get the Staff these days

Where's the best place to weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow!

I hate people who are indirect, you know who you are.

I've had a spectacular day.
It was in 1997, I think.

Recent evidence shows that Princess Dianas' driver was on drugs at the time of the crash.
Speed and Smack.

NEWS:
baby killed by lamp post falling on top of pram.
At the time the Mother was asking for a light.

Sky News "US woman to be executed with IQ between 70 and 72"
So 71?

I crawled into my exam today.
I was told to take a different approach.

I have just seen an ad watching football
Abu Dhabi - Travellers welcome
Well you can have them all, nice to know they're accepted somewhere

You know you're in a rough pub when they've got the Racing Channel on.

My hatred for my wife is like a horse's foreskin...
It goes back a long way.

Doorbells. There's a nice ring to them.

I was so poor as a child.
My Shoes were that worn that i could throw a Penny on the Floor, and then put my Foot over it and be able to tell whether it was Heads or Tails.

Left my job at the Fat Fighters monthly magazine when they made my weight an issue.

sky news confirm fred west's brother john was a serial salmon killer

I think it goes without saying...

And the 1,678,743'rd rule of monotony club is ......

In an ideal world, I'd work in a casino.

Alcohol killed my Dad.
He was run over by a Carlsberg Lorry.

Has anyone else wondered what girls do when they are home alone?

I went to the Planetarium yesterday, I dont think i was welcome... the whole atmosphere changed as soon as i walked in.

I don't really like lip readers, but I'd never say that to their face.

When cracking one off with a pair of knickers on your head, don't look in the mirror, because you look like a giant fly.

Just heard that there will be a sequel to Gone in 60 Seconds. It's rumoured to be set in Haiti

I hate concussion, it does my head in.