Did anybody else know about this live performance of 'Green Street'?

Has anyone else wondered what girls do when they are home alone?

I went to the Planetarium yesterday, I dont think i was welcome... the whole atmosphere changed as soon as i walked in.

I don't really like lip readers, but I'd never say that to their face.

When cracking one off with a pair of knickers on your head, don't look in the mirror, because you look like a giant fly.

Just heard that there will be a sequel to Gone in 60 Seconds. It's rumoured to be set in Haiti

I hate concussion, it does my head in.

Ever since I was a small boy I've never liked the look of Captain Birds Eye. There's just something very fishy about him.

I'm the worst volunteer hands down.

My friend is going out with an absolute diamond!
Yeh he did a bit of carbon-dating.

I've never blasphemed, I swear to God.

The best thing about mother's milk is the lovely packaging.

You just can't beat a feminist.

Water floats my boat.

Never ask a black barman for a shot.

"The allegation of me being anti-Semitic is the biggest lie since the Holocaust." -Mel Gibson

Ill take one o these Meteor showers over a gas shower anyday.

I asked a fisherman for some advice,
but he just told me to sling my hook

My missus says there's some chips in the oven...
I better buy a new one.

Last night we ordered the cheeseboard to share between three people. We had a fromage trois.

I tried to take my wife line dancing with me, but we always ended up getting in a row.

My fiance lost a stone last week
... She's still fat, she's just broke her engagement ring.

Two fat people in a marriage will never work out.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

I give up being a defeatist.