My missus says there's some chips in the oven...
I better buy a new one.

I just spent 5 grand on Hi-Fi equipment, I think I'm a stereo type

I tried to take my wife line dancing with me, but we always ended up getting in a row.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

I give up being a defeatist.

My fiance lost a stone last week
... She's still fat, she's just broke her engagement ring.

Two fat people in a marriage will never work out.

Thin ice - It's not what it's cracked up to be.

Have you heard about the Dyslexic Tramp.
He keeps dipping his beard into his Soup

I was attacked by a Paki doing Martial arts.
Must have been the Karachi Kid.

When I woke up this morning my wife asked me did I sleep well?
I said no, I made a few mistakes.

The hippos at my local zoo do great impressions of my wife.

I'm a respectful builder, I never underestimate anyone.

I tried joining a group of contortionists once but I didn't really fit in.

There is a way!
Sincerely, Will.

I'm gonna live forever. Or die trying.

Bloke in the pub sold me a pirate GPS. It tells you exactly where you arr.

I shaved a hedgehog earlier. It was pointless.

I didn't want to be a Jedi like my father, but he forced me into it.

The Microsoft Car didn't live up to expectations on release date.
Having too many windows open seems to make it crash.

Maybe poor people don't even like food, we don't know.

If you stop to think about stuff, then driving's not for you.

Statistics show 40% of people fail maths. I can proudly say I am in the other 74%.

I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

Progress is when each mistake you make is a new one.