Progress is when each mistake you make is a new one.

I once lived in a duck pond but had to move out.
I couldn't stand all the bills.

I don't believe there is such a thing as scepticism.

Anyone else think it would be easier to have a page that says Sickipedia has connected to the database, and put the jokes on the latency page instead of the adds for jamrags?

Statistically...10 out of 9 dividends are gross.

What do you get if you add prozac to your cement mix?
Happy Hardcore.

I used to work making clocks, but after a 24hr shift I called it a day.

I'd be more optimistic if I thought it would help.

I've seen much less of my wife since her amputation.

I always talk to myself. It's the only way to have an intelligent conversation.

I was catching up with an old friend earlier when I thought, "He's faster than he looks".

a Poet walks in to a bard....

Fishermen know their plaice is at sea.

A bloke goes into the butchers and says, ''Excuse me mate. Have you got a pig's head?''
The butcher replies, ''No. I was blown up in the Falklands.''

Who needs Flowers AND chocolates when you've got roses.

I find the best way to grow old is to start young.

I was stunned when I found out that police can now carry taser guns.

I like my women like I like my coffee.
Picked by migrant workers.

Ironically Loot magazine is free.

If my six-year-old neighbour were a raffle, I would enter her.

Yesterday, I went to sleep with my head at the foot of my bed to mix things up. This morning, I woke up slightly confused about where I was. Misson accomplished.

I need you like JFK needed a roof on his car...

here's a tip for you.. said the masturbating leper :)

Just over four months later, I'm still pleased she's dead.

Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicking over who's going to be deleted.