Does this spell the final chapter for Borders?

Why is it only my wife who tells me that "it's the little things in life that matter"?

My eight-year-old daughter is like a fridge magnet; she's attracted to my Smeg.

So a disabled guy walks into a bar.

A guy came up to me the other day and said I ought to stop making so many cutlery-based puns.
Told him to fork off.

Anyone who thinks I'm confrontational should come and say that to my face.

My friend has got a fetish for certain types of stationery. Helix rulers.

Two psychics met for lunch,
One said "You're fine. How am I?"

The Wife keeps moaning about my Fascination for Explosives.
There must be Mortar life than this.

Poverty stricken arthritic contortionists have trouble making ends meet.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

if you cant gag her using duct tape, you've obviously not used enough ?

I like to invest in the youth of today so I make regular deposits.

the visitor counter on LiamHilton.com says he's only had one hit

I'm just like the wind.... If you catch my drift.

Discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

I was steering my Yacht with my stomach muscles.
I was absailing.

Roses are Red
Violets are fine
I'll be the six, if you be the nine

I swear Cher Lloyd is a Primark version of Cheryl Cole

As an exhibitionist, I hope my life flashes before someone else's eyes when I die.

I like to spend my free time at the park watching the children running around and shouting. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I went in to my local Staples, and could not believe how disorganised the stationery was.
It was all over the shop

Breaking news: Car stops quick.

'You've got to be in it to win it'
Im beginning to think there's more to it than that.

Why is it called dry humping, if I always need a towel after?