you know you're a good lip reader when you watch harry potter muted and know what Snape says.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Anyone who kills a member of a boy-band deserves a life sentence for murder and an OBE for services to music.

People that walk their dogs around children's parks are not fooling anyone.

My girlfriend said she wanted to see more of me.
So I put on 4 stone.

Make the firefighters feel like fools when they're on strike by not setting fire to anything

My wife said she fancied going to a small c food restaurant
so i took her to McDonalds

I used to be brilliant on iPods, but I've lost my Touch.

Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.

What's Woody's favourite Drink?
Bud Light Beer.

i <3 complex inequalities

Ah, bungee rope - that takes me back.

My whole world has fallen apart... Stupid 3D puzzles

Facebook: making other people aware of your pretentious middle name since 2004.

So what's it like to have voices in your head, I hear you ask.

The average human body contains enough bones to make up an entire human skeleton.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

How do you tell people you aren't in denial?

'Pritt' don't make a very good lip balm.
But I can't complain

I saw a transparent billboard today
"That's a clear sign" I thought to myself.

I took my wife to a freak show yesterday, but they weren't hiring.

My girlfriend's a judge, last night she smeared Herbal Essences on her hands then gave me a conditional discharge.

If this Final doesnt finish soon im going to have to take it out on my wife.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law... on a milk carton.

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon