My wife's so unfit she can't even catch up with her sleep.

I Drank a Pint of Real Ale last night called 'Bodmin'.
It was very Moorish.

With the recent spout of evil dictators across the world being overthrown and brutally executed, I can't help but think it's Saddam shame for their families

My mate was trying to convince me he had x-ray vision..
I saw straight through him

My native American telecoms company went up in smoke.

I think therefore I am.
Descartes
I drink therefore I am.
Gazza
I'm pink therefore I'm Spam.
Tin of meat.

I'm a coward and I am very afraid to admit it.

I'm dying to know if I'm a good patient.

My dad once said to me,
"Don't quote other people's advice."

Whenever I'm on a plane, I always sit right at the back because you never hear of a plane backing into a mountain do you?

I've got an old style driving licence, which really shows my age.

Tonight's programme 'The history of strobe lighting' may contain flashing images...

I'm alergic to martial arts, i've got Kungfubia.

When I found out I was losing in the Stag Swimming Race, my hart sank.

My eyes are frowned upon.

I may be stupid but at least I'm not clever.

Did anybody else notice that Johnny Bravo was a paedophile?

As a cost-cutting measure, the local council has closed its housing benefits call centre and opened a walk-in office inside Lidl.

I love having a mirrored ceiling, it gives me the opportunity to reflect on the naughty things I get up to.

I got quite emotional at the garage today - it was a lovely service.

How can you tell the Irishman aboard an aircraft carrier?
He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

I always XD when I see a Chinese person eating an orange slice.

I'm annoyed with angles, to a degree.

Knowing the facts takes all the fun out of making decisions.

There are two things you ought to know about me: one is that I never say never, the other is that I often contradict myself.