A rasher a day keeps the Muslims away.

My dad moved in some very mysterious circles, he had a wooden leg

Women bakers. Know your roll.

I've been single for so long I now get turned on if i see my right hand naked!

Finally I've made it, I am famous. I was on television tonight, well an artist impression of me.

It's funny how you never see Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Roy Keane in the same room?

I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

Reduce your carbon footprint.. take bigger steps.

Drug dealers: Part of a joint workforce.

Lipstick:
If only it were more like Ronseal.

When riding into battle did Geronimo yell "Meeeeeeeeeeee!"

Evolution nowadays, it's not what it used to be.

The guy who invented the computer chair was obviously not a masturbator.

I went to a clock shop the other day, I loved every minute of it.

If a fat kid falls over in the forest but there is no one around to hear them cry, is it still funny?.

Its comforting to know, that even if the entire world hates you, sickipedia will love you for it.

Oh look its this weeks version of Pimp my Funeral!

Surely thinking Positive will attract negative things?

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

You'll never guess what I saw on this mornings Thomas The Tank Engine...

According to BBC news, "Gene offers bowel cancer 'shield'". Is there no end to Hackman's talents?

I felt guilty once but she woke up half way through

Beauty, it's only a light switch away.

When someone challenges me to a snowball fight at christmas, I always drink it before I throw the bottle at them.

I was always going to be a determinist...