Just been on google and searched 'free heroin.'
Got a few hits.

I thought that my wife might have an offset ring spanner in her handbag...
My suspicions were confirmed when I found an offset ring spanner in her handbag...

If they dont want you to drink n drive , why put car parks in pubs ??

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

I read a joke about window shopping the other day. I didnt get it.

If I had a pound for every time I lost count of something, I'd have...

A problem shared, is a problem laughed at.

What's black and unmistakably round?
.

My mum doesn't see the irony in saying 'Your mum' to me as an insult.

Nudism: Been there, done that, took off the t-shirt.

I've just found out that my next door neighbours cat is the same width as one of my tyres.

I said to my mate the other day;
"My brother met a famous black rapper yesterday."
My mate replied;
"Did he?"
"No, it was Jay-Z."

The first half of lolita is hilarious.

Tomorrow the wife goes for a twenty week scan.
That's brilliant. I won't see her again until March 30th, 2012.

Tennis is like riding a bike.
If you hit a car then you know something has gone wrong.

The reason I talk to myself is that Im the only one whose answers I accept.

BBC News headline: Working mothers' children "less fit".
Isn't attractiveness subjective?

Sky News : 'Police Probe Bodies Found in House'
Also known as poking them with a stick

Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad.

When women say "I'm not talking to you", what exactly are they doing then?

If there's one thing this week has taught us, it's that Italians have better aim than Iraqis.

What men want in a relationship is to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

I recently discovered that the leading cause of nose bleeds in the U.K. is a punch to the face.

I like really dark movie theatres.
That way, I don't have to buy my own popcorn.

I can't see myself not owning a mirror.