I got quite emotional at the garage today - it was a lovely service.

I love having a mirrored ceiling, it gives me the opportunity to reflect on the naughty things I get up to.

As a cost-cutting measure, the local council has closed its housing benefits call centre and opened a walk-in office inside Lidl.

Did anybody else notice that Johnny Bravo was a paedophile?

the irish were robbed. french knickers.

Speech Therapists. They have ways of making you talk.

I've got quite a lot of clout at work, I've opened a strip club.

Women should be more like Facebook. Once you become friends with her, u should have access to all of her privates.

An aspiring writer tells his colleague: ''From my early childhood, I have always been using two single quotes instead of double ones and no one has ever noticed!''

I always knew I'd write the book on predictions.

You're about as much use as the lid on a McFlurry.

I told my wife that her new dress reminds me of a cured epileptic.
"It's a miracle?" She asked.
"Try again" I replied.
"OK, urmm... you really like it?" She implored.
"Nope" I responded.
"OK, I give up, why does my new dress remind you of a cured epileptic?" She Inquired
"It doesn't fit"

Found an old pair of pants in my wardrobe today with extra cloth at the bottom.
That's a turn up.

If you murder a murderer do you become a murdererer?

My wife has died after falling off a cliff.
I think she has taken it all a step too far.

There is no greater fear for a man than the few seconds after proposing a hi-5, standing with his hand in the air and a pleading look in his eyes not to be left hanging

Do incontinent optimists see their bladders as half-full?

The Lisbon Treaty - Supporting Conspiracy Theorists since 2007

Homeless people- more money than sense.

Rumour is they are playing the Ashes in Athens next time round..

Oh nooos! Ive got caster wheels on my sofa. Does that mean its really a settee?

The best thing about school girls is that as I get older, they stay the same age.

Went to the library earlier & took out a book on Kleptomania.

Smith's Scampi Fries - officially reminding men of that ex they will always regret.

I Gotta Feeling... and if that feeling has anything to do with Fergies' outfit then it's arousal.