I love having a mirrored ceiling, it gives me the opportunity to reflect on the naughty things I get up to.

As a cost-cutting measure, the local council has closed its housing benefits call centre and opened a walk-in office inside Lidl.

Did anybody else notice that Johnny Bravo was a paedophile?

If you murder a murderer do you become a murdererer?

the irish were robbed. french knickers.

My wifes so fat, even our wedding photo weighed 30lbs.

Found an old pair of pants in my wardrobe today with extra cloth at the bottom.
That's a turn up.

I told my wife that her new dress reminds me of a cured epileptic.
"It's a miracle?" She asked.
"Try again" I replied.
"OK, urmm... you really like it?" She implored.
"Nope" I responded.
"OK, I give up, why does my new dress remind you of a cured epileptic?" She Inquired
"It doesn't fit"

You're about as much use as the lid on a McFlurry.

My wife has died after falling off a cliff.
I think she has taken it all a step too far.

I always knew I'd write the book on predictions.

An aspiring writer tells his colleague: ''From my early childhood, I have always been using two single quotes instead of double ones and no one has ever noticed!''

Women should be more like Facebook. Once you become friends with her, u should have access to all of her privates.

I've got quite a lot of clout at work, I've opened a strip club.

Speech Therapists. They have ways of making you talk.

Smith's Scampi Fries - officially reminding men of that ex they will always regret.

The best thing about school girls is that as I get older, they stay the same age.

Liverpool Echo, gives the term a "mourning paper" a whole new meaning.

I think Fajita's get a bad wrap these days

I Gotta Feeling... and if that feeling has anything to do with Fergies' outfit then it's arousal.

Oh nooos! Ive got caster wheels on my sofa. Does that mean its really a settee?

Rumour is they are playing the Ashes in Athens next time round..

Homeless people- more money than sense.

The Lisbon Treaty - Supporting Conspiracy Theorists since 2007

Do incontinent optimists see their bladders as half-full?