We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

'Lacism is long' said the Chinese man.

I just bought a 750ml bottle of Domestos lemon but it just tastes like normal Domestos to me

Surely, if you're an Iraqi, you've learnt not to do your shopping at the outdoor market by now?

Just been to Doncaster and seen a sign for EARTH CENTRE pointing left, surely it should have been pointing straight down?

My jokes are a lot like my internet browsing history. Disturbing, immature and often deleted before i can see them again

Just bought the "two minutes' silence" for 79p of iTunes. Bargain.

I took a woman back to mine last night.
She said, "I'm like a fine wine in bed. I've got better with age."
I said, "Well I'm like Jack Daniels."
She asked, "Aged 18?"
I said, "No. Good liquor"

My friends say I always contradict them, but I disagree.

If only society were separated like laundry...

DIY is for tools.

When I try to say something tongue-in-cheek, most people just think I have a speech impediment.

I'm so Indie I listen to music that doesn't exist!

Londonderry.
The only word with 6 silent letters.

Apathy went up by.....ah forget it.

I used go out with an anesthetist... she was a local girl.

To cut a long story short, use fewer words.

Eleventeen percent of people make up words.

If the Queen kills herself is it suicide or treason?

my husband wanted to make love to me whilst we were both covered in unrefined oil.
I thought it a bit crude.

My mate say he can get his dog to come on command.
I have to give mine a handjob.

Say NO to racism.
Or just dont get in the taxi in the first place.

I never really knew my mother, she left before I was born.

Dermatologists often make rash statements

Lost my job at the Vicks Vapour factory yesterday and everyone keeps rubbing it in.