How Long is a china man.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Obsessed, a word used by the lazy to describe the dedicated.

I said to the missus that the Libya situation was looking messy. She went and got a shower.

My wife accused me of being easily distracted.
I almost

My mother and I were separated at birth.

What does Britanny Murphy and most of my jokes on here have in common? They'll all get buried before christmas.

The new version of Pac-Man is so awesome, it comes with a search engine built into it.

I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!

A lot of people say i am egocentric - but enough about them

The thought of resorting to sleeping pills keeps me awake at night.

There was a story today in the papers about a train driver who had to retire due to his failing memory.... it was something along those lines

What did the Danish bricklayer say when someone tried to grab him?
Lego!

The fancy dress party was not as good as I though it would be, no one spoke to me all evening AND no one complimented my "Invisible man" costume

I don't like to brag, but I'm an excellent gloater.

I understand that the difference between mudmen and mudwomen is mudflaps.

University Challenge: getting up in the morning.

The only thing you can believe in the papers is the date.

I went for an interview to be a lifeguard at a nudist beach.
I was really nervous, so I imagined them all with their clothes on.

Anybody else remember the good old days when 'Where's Wally?' was about as stressful as life got?

I've just been to Thailand and was very disappointed with their range of neck wear.

I have a half-brother. We have the same parents, but he was born without legs.

Conformity....
Everyone's doing it!

I have the world's oldest globe.
It's flat.

Why do old women all have the same haircut?