I went on a cycling holiday recently, and it was exhausting.
I need to get a smaller caravan.

Ever see a dwarf and think, "He'd look great in my garden"

I've never been told I'm a bad listener.

It's a little known fact that women have more hair than men... On the whole.

Anybody else wonder why the army camouflage their helicopters in green?

My agent said I should use a pen name, so from now on I am calling myself Bic Parker.

I'm an armoured personnel carrier and I'm APC.

Mediocrities, the lesser successful brother of Socrates.

Now I've plucked and stuffed the bird, all that remains is to kill it.

Can Muslims eat fast food on Ramadan?

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

I could count on one hand the number of times I've changed the blades on my lawnmower and forgotten to turn the power off.

I sang with Tom Jones once. He was on the radio, I was on the toilet.

It's amazing how many albinos come off the missing persons list when the snow clears up.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

It is better to have loved a short girl then to have never loved a tall.

Jessie J: "Its not about the money money money, we don't need your money money money"
Is that why it costs 99p to download, Jessie?

A lorry carrying onions has overturned on the M62.
Police are urging motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on

I come from a small town whose population never changes.
Every time a woman falls pregnant, someone leaves town.

If Christopher Walken. Was to write. A joke. It would probably. Contain. Too many. Full stops.

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin. Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

Missing Yale student found in wall.
She was plastered.

Recent studies show that there were some studies done recently.

Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners.

Pride is like varnish - a transparent layer of tacky gloss that's easily removed with alcohol.