I am a great inventor. Four years ago I created a machine that can roll 97 joints in 1.4 seconds. I haven't really done much since then to be honest.

"I hate people who follow trends" I said to my hair salon whilst having my hair dyed red.

If there's one thing I'm not good at it's rugby, cricket, tennis, and narrowing stuff down.

statistically, 1100001% of geeks understand binary.

I don't care what people say, I'm a terrible psychiatrist.

Has anyone else noticed the benefit of a coughing fit whilst taking a dump?

I bought some batteries the other day but they weren't included.

Bin men have got a rubbish job.

My first session with the Impatience Support Group is tonight........ I can't wait.

Just come back off holiday from Manama.
The weather was strange , we had sunshine, snow, frost, fog, and hailstones.
In fact we had everything Bahrain.

Now might be a good time to buy shares in Cash Converters.

Model trains make me Hornby.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

There is a fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'

Isn't it a coincidence that people run inside when there are black clouds?

Rock climbers need to get a grip and move on.

I met this anorexic girl with such a huge rack... Of ribs.

If partially sighted people want the right to drive combine harvesters, I'm not going to stand in their way.

Remember, ladies: mouthwash is still cheaper than an abortion.

I haven't made a prediction in my life and I never will.

Having just punched a midget selling watches, I know I've hit an all time low.

Thanks to Heroin I think I'm addicted to needles.

I'm more confused than predictive text on a dyslexics phone.

Maths, the only subject that counts.

I hate Americanization.