A Mistress is what goes in between a Mister and a Mattress.

Statistically, 50,000 Haitans won't get this.

Sickipedia: Supplying Zoo Magazine with jokes every week.

Pushed over a Muslim in a burka today, should have seen the look on her face.....

I love my wife, but not as much as I love lying.

The worst decision of all time was made by the person who showed the Indians how to use the telephone.

I live within a stones throw of my local police station..
Which is handy.

I like to imagine that complete strangers are in awe of my athletic prowess as I double up on the stairs in public.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Knicker sniffing is just a taste of things to come...

Just got my npower championship razor
Unfortunately it didn't come with any Blades

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

"Rap" is to "music" as "Etch-A-Sketch" is to "fine art".

So Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. That must mean The other 44% carry babies.

As a child, I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.

Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil is bad for your joints.

Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.

My little girl isn't obese..she's kidnap resistant.

The Lottery.
Just a tax on hope.

Pyongyang - the only capital city that sounds like a ricochet sound effect from an old fashioned Western.

Whilst buying some nuts today I noticed the pack said "stachios"...
I thought... someone's taken the pis.

I was a whisker away from stealing an entire utensil set earlier.

I have four problems in life: counting, remembering and counting.

Moneywise im set for LIFE.
Provided I die next tuesday.

My friend was a pro at Russian Roulette- he only lost once.