There is no greater fear for a man than the few seconds after proposing a hi-5, standing with his hand in the air and a pleading look in his eyes not to be left hanging

Been thinking of inventing a new kind of chair..... it's just an idea I've been sitting on.

Went to the library earlier & took out a book on Kleptomania.

if you cut a tree down in the forest with an echo chainsaw would it make a noise twice?

I'm the kind of person who runs around a graveyard to give myself a sense of oneupmanship.

I split from my tug of war partner, there was too much tension.

Top tip: Psychic's, drum up more business simply by calling random numbers to confirm next weeks appointment.
If they question you simply ask them if they are psychic. When they say no just remind them who is.

In many ways Ireland are the winners of the 2012 Olympics because we don't have to pay for it.

Call me old fashioned, but waiting for a woman's permission for intercourse is overrated.

A paki walks into a bar of soap

Since being cleared of negligence, my train driving career's back on track.

How would you buy one of those things that divides peoples' food at the checkouts?

Your mum's had more one ups than Mario

A black horse went into a pub, and the barman says, "Did you know there's a pub down the road named after you?"
The black horse replied, "What? There's a pub called Jehmal?"

Googlemail just sent me an email saying I might be having problems receiving emails. Well that's clearly not right.

One of my wives told me I'm oblivious.

Trained seals, they're on the ball aren't they?

Not sure about these new fish pedicures, it took ages just to get the nail polish on their fins.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious

The last time I had so much fun, they said I wasn't going to pull through.

I got up on the wrong the side of the bed this morning and let me tell you it was dusty under there

I really thympathize with people who have lisps.

Red Bull farts are the wind beneath your wings.

It doesn't matter how deep you're plowing, but how long you will remain on the field