Went to the library earlier & took out a book on Kleptomania.

Been thinking of inventing a new kind of chair..... it's just an idea I've been sitting on.

There is no greater fear for a man than the few seconds after proposing a hi-5, standing with his hand in the air and a pleading look in his eyes not to be left hanging

Do incontinent optimists see their bladders as half-full?

The Lisbon Treaty - Supporting Conspiracy Theorists since 2007

Homeless people- more money than sense.

Rumour is they are playing the Ashes in Athens next time round..

Oh nooos! Ive got caster wheels on my sofa. Does that mean its really a settee?

I Gotta Feeling... and if that feeling has anything to do with Fergies' outfit then it's arousal.

I think Fajita's get a bad wrap these days

Liverpool Echo, gives the term a "mourning paper" a whole new meaning.

The best thing about school girls is that as I get older, they stay the same age.

Smith's Scampi Fries - officially reminding men of that ex they will always regret.

Not sure about these new fish pedicures, it took ages just to get the nail polish on their fins.

A black horse went into a pub, and the barman says, "Did you know there's a pub down the road named after you?"
The black horse replied, "What? There's a pub called Jehmal?"

Googlemail just sent me an email saying I might be having problems receiving emails. Well that's clearly not right.

One of my wives told me I'm oblivious.

Trained seals, they're on the ball aren't they?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious

The last time I had so much fun, they said I wasn't going to pull through.

I got up on the wrong the side of the bed this morning and let me tell you it was dusty under there

I really thympathize with people who have lisps.

You're about as much use as a Nuns ovaries.

How funny is the tag example on the add joke page now?!