Try braking, it gives your driving a bit of 00mph.

It's not my fault I blame everyone else for my mistakes

Life is like a box of chocolates.
Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.

I once had my arm in a cast, but I'm not here to reminisce about my days in musical theatre.

Humpty Dumpty has been found dead. Next of Kinder have been informed.

I posted a joke today, cost me 60p.

I wouldn't say I'm smug, but every year on my birthday I phone my mother to congratulate her.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

Can deaf people ever experience an awkward silence?

I was out collecting money for a sponsored walk last week... I collected so much that I got a taxi instead.

The life of a snail is taken with a pinch of salt.

Me and my limbo team go way back.

A mute incontinent. Goes without saying.

The instructions on my microwave meal say 'stir and recover'
How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

I really love my fanbase...without it my fan would fall over.

If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of time.

Half a dozen
Because "six" is way too long.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.
They forgot to mention morons.

Religion is like the male nipple: it has survived years of human evolution despite having no useful purpose.

Service is so slow at my local Chinese restaurant, I've just had an Autumn roll delivered.

Apparently, baby powder + water does not equal baby.

A large steak just drove past me.
That's rare.

Carlsberg don't do gingers, no-one does.

Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.