I sometimes call my local Indian takeaway just for a chat.

I love pillows. They are fluffy, soft, and can be used to suffocate you.

As I was driving down a dark country lane last night, I thought "its a good job that guy invented cats-eyes otherwise that cat wouldn't have seen me"

Look, at the end of the day , i go to bed

I wasn't a very good Hairdresser.
I didn't read the Perms and Conditions.

My Mate has got a Book on Palindromes.
I don't know whether to Borrow or Rob.

What's black and furry and looks like half a cat?
The other half.

Roman Polanski & Pope Benedict XVI set to co-star in "Grumpy Old Rapists."

I've been married for 20 years, and it's been the happiest time of my life. I'm just dreading the day my wife comes out of her coma.

Canine intelligence is routinely overrated. I consistently beat my Wire Fox Terrier at chess 4 out 5 games.

My wife was ill but she's on the mend now .... darning my socks

Why join a gym if you have Photoshop?

I'd sell my sole to get started in second hand shoe trading.

Food fetishists are coming for dinner tonight.

I like my women like I like my washing machines.
Can take a huge load and wash my clothes.

A bloke stopped me in the street today and said "Whats the best way to Oldham".
I Put him in a Headlock.

A new Ice Cream Shop has opened in Palestine.
Walls of Jericho.

I might kill myself in the most horrific way, just to have my 500 jokes of fame on Sickipedia!

I like to go up to people playing Solitaire at work and ask, "Who's winning?"

She was married in her grandmother's wedding dress. She looked lovely, but her grandmother looked cold.

If you sit on your cornflakes for 10 minutes, it feels like someone else is eating your breakfast.
Probably.

I'm very happy with our divorce settlement.
We sold the kids and I got custody of the stereo.

I got turned down for a place in the local rifle club as they said I wasn't the right calibre.

My internet history knows me too well.

I've just bought a car that won't go in a straight line.
Drives me round the bend.