I've just bought a car that won't go in a straight line.
Drives me round the bend.

I've just bought a cardboard TV.
Its all paper view.

The inventor of the time machine has tragically died in a car crash, next week.

A bloke handed me a box of Jamaican hair the other day. Dreadful.

The Grim Reaper will never take me alive.

I can't even begin to count the number of beads that just fell off my abacus

My wife said she was leaving me because I don't listen
Or something like that, I wasn't paying attention

SQA Examinations, that's the real sick joke here.

Ive been writing a report about my compulsive masturbation.
I came to the conclusion.

Anorexic pop comebacks- They're not over till the fat lady sings.

Looking at the two finalists in the masters snooker, reminds me of the sound my microwave makes.

As a cannibal, I always have a hearty breakfast.

I splashed out on the wife, this Christmas. I gave her a pearl necklace.

If you're struggling to make sense of it all and don't know where to turn, just step back and try to see the big picture.
Art galleries aren't for everyone.

It took me a great deal to win last nights poker game.

I took the first job I was offered, with gocompare.com
I was subsequently fired

David Cameron employing Andy Coulson what next, a butcher employing maggots?

Uproar in Manchester after they finally hear of the Oasis split

I take apart more IKEA furniture than all the other people on my street put together.

The download speed of my Sky broadband service is so slow, that if it gets any slower, it will start uploading

I ordered a Long Sleeve England Football Shirt at 10% off.
When it arrived it was a Short sleeve.

I bought a book the other day called "Do things for you, make friends that aren't looking for somebody to take advantage of". It was really expensive but apparently it's very good, can't wait till my mate finishes reading it.

My wife's been searching everywhere for her Christmas presents, she'll never find them...
They're in the cleaning cupboard.

Nice to hear that the teachers still do physical education.

I get a bit of stick occasionally, being a glue sniffer.