If time flies when you're having fun.
Don't pessimists live longer than optimists?
The wife went out for five minutes to talk to a delivery man.
She came back half an hour later and said "doesn't time fly when your talking?"
Not when your're talking to me it doesn't!
My girlfriend has just left me because of all the philosophical theories I believe.
Like I care. She doesn't exist anyway.
There is a saying...
"Anything can be a saying."
I'm wondering if I should see Schroedinger's new Broadway musical, Cats. The reviewers all say that until you see it, it's brilliant and horrible at the same time.
I think, therefore I am... not a Daily Mail reader.
When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong - or absolutely right.
Whenever I split up from a woman I think, "I'll always have my memories".
And by memories I mean naked photographs of them.
The rulers of the Ottoman Empire must have had plenty of places to put their feet up.
Apparently when a professor asks you what came first, the chicken or the egg, suggesting 'IVF treatment' is neither clever nor funny.
Life is like a midget, it's short and really sad.
My father gave me some advice.
He said: "If you keep running away from the things you're bad at, you'll never be good at anything."
...Except running
My philosophy professor stated that "The only certain thing in this world is that nothing is certain."
I've certainly tried to get my head around what he means.
But I'm still a bit uncertain.
Just finished writing my new book. It's about existentialist philosophy and authentic existence, for five to nine year olds. It's a picture book called:
'Why is Wally'.
If only I had been born a lego brick.
I could have made something of my life.
I was told today to treat everyday as if it was my last.
I've decided to treat everyday as if it was my first instead.
It's OK but it annoys my Mum a bit.
Aristotle said "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
...but I think he's wrong.
Why wash towels...aren't we clean when we use them?
The pen is mightier than the sword.
And considerably easier to write with.
French authorities have discovered that it is not the real Mona Lisa displayed in the Louvre..
It's just a painting of her.
If you ask me, life is a carwash.
and I'm on a bicycle.
Good old British mentality 'If it doesnt work - Hit it '
Im a Childless Widow now
When a woman says "What?" it doesn't mean that she didnt hear you.
It means that she's giving you a chance to correct yourself.
There's a big philosophical debate about when the foetus becomes viable. If you're Jewish, you're not considered viable until you've graduated from medical school
I've discovered the secret of life.
Breathing.