Philosophy Joke

If time flies when you're having fun.
Don't pessimists live longer than optimists?

Philosophy Joke

The wife went out for five minutes to talk to a delivery man.
She came back half an hour later and said "doesn't time fly when your talking?"
Not when your're talking to me it doesn't!

Philosophy Joke

My girlfriend has just left me because of all the philosophical theories I believe.
Like I care. She doesn't exist anyway.

Philosophy Joke

There is a saying...
"Anything can be a saying."

Philosophy Joke

I'm wondering if I should see Schroedinger's new Broadway musical, Cats. The reviewers all say that until you see it, it's brilliant and horrible at the same time.

Philosophy Joke

I think, therefore I am... not a Daily Mail reader.

Philosophy Joke

When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong - or absolutely right.

Philosophy Joke

Whenever I split up from a woman I think, "I'll always have my memories".
And by memories I mean naked photographs of them.

Philosophy Joke

The rulers of the Ottoman Empire must have had plenty of places to put their feet up.

Philosophy Joke

Apparently when a professor asks you what came first, the chicken or the egg, suggesting 'IVF treatment' is neither clever nor funny.

Philosophy Joke

Life is like a midget, it's short and really sad.

Philosophy Joke

My father gave me some advice.
He said: "If you keep running away from the things you're bad at, you'll never be good at anything."
...Except running

Philosophy Joke

My philosophy professor stated that "The only certain thing in this world is that nothing is certain."
I've certainly tried to get my head around what he means.
But I'm still a bit uncertain.

Philosophy Joke

Just finished writing my new book. It's about existentialist philosophy and authentic existence, for five to nine year olds. It's a picture book called:
'Why is Wally'.

Philosophy Joke

If only I had been born a lego brick.
I could have made something of my life.

Philosophy Joke

I was told today to treat everyday as if it was my last.
I've decided to treat everyday as if it was my first instead.
It's OK but it annoys my Mum a bit.

Philosophy Joke

Aristotle said "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
...but I think he's wrong.

Philosophy Joke

Why wash towels...aren't we clean when we use them?

Philosophy Joke

The pen is mightier than the sword.
And considerably easier to write with.

Philosophy Joke

French authorities have discovered that it is not the real Mona Lisa displayed in the Louvre..
It's just a painting of her.

Philosophy Joke

If you ask me, life is a carwash.
and I'm on a bicycle.

Philosophy Joke

Good old British mentality 'If it doesnt work - Hit it '
Im a Childless Widow now

Philosophy Joke

When a woman says "What?" it doesn't mean that she didnt hear you.
It means that she's giving you a chance to correct yourself.

Philosophy Joke

There's a big philosophical debate about when the foetus becomes viable. If you're Jewish, you're not considered viable until you've graduated from medical school

Philosophy Joke

I've discovered the secret of life.
Breathing.