John Cena goes to see his doctor about his invisibility problem.
After buzzing three times, the doctor eventually comes into the waiting room and addresses the receptionist curtly, "Where's Mr Cena- what appointment did we give him?"
John speaks up, "You can't see me, my time is now..."

I think I've lost interest in my career as a mime artist.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Saw two blokes having an argument down the pub last night.
One said, "What's your problem?"
The other replied, "Nothing mate. What's your problem?"
Nosey mathematicians. What are they like?

My girlfriend loves her job as a fruit machine designer.
But she really wants a baby, so she's putting her career on hold for a while.

A man went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," he pleaded. "Every time I date a girl, I end up in bed with her. And afterward, I dump her and then feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"No!" he exclaimed. "I just want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

I found out my secretary was late.
Looks like I'll be needing a coat hanger.

as a police officer searching for drug users I simply watch the Jeremy Kyle show and hey ho job done!

Two policemen, Tom and Harry, are chasing an armed robber down the street. The robber jumps into a car and sets off. Tom pulls out his gun and fires off a few rounds, but the criminal gets away.
Harry says, "Did you get the registration plate?"
Tom replies, "Yeah, but I was aiming for his head."

' I'm feeling very suicidal,what should I do? ' the man said to his Psychiatrist.
' Pay your bill before you leave, ' replied the Psychiatrist.

I see you've tried to commit suicide 5 times,
Your dad was right... you are useless

BBC NEWS: "It took police marksmen 4 bullets to kill the dog, flowers have been left outside the house"
Aren't they forgetting the woman that dog killed?

I was stripping down some copper, when suddenly, she awoke.

The best advice I was ever given to me was by my mum: avoid people who give you drugs.
I haven't seen a doctor in years!

There is no point complaing about police brutality...
We give em a whistle and a yellow flash jacket
And we're suprised when they go out clubbing !

I loved dinosaurs as a child, and dreamed of being a paleontologist.
Then the government cut student grants, and I had to become a rent boy.
I still get bones from dirty old fossils, though.

Mr. Brown is at the doctor's: "Doctor, I can't sleep at night because I keep having to think about the crocodile under my bed."
"I'll prescribe some medication," says the doctor. "You should be feeling better within a week."
A week later, Mr. Brown is at the doctor's again: "I can't sleep, doctor. I'm still worried about that crocodile under my bed."
"I'll prescribe some other medication," says the doctor, "but it's very important that you stop thinking about the crocodile before you go to sleep, then you'll be cured."
A week later, the doctor is making a housecall near Mr. Brown's house, so he decides to drop in and check up on his patient. As the doctor rings the bell, the next-door neighbour pops his head out.
"Are you looking for Mr. Brown?" says the neighbour. "I'm afraid he died yesterday."
"My goodness," says the doctor. "What did he die of?"
"He was eaten by a crocodile."

The newspapers this week have given extensive coverage to the fact that a black man has set a record for running 150 metres down a street in Manchester.
However, they failed to mention the fact that he did it with a video under one arm and 5 police dogs chasing after him.

I went to the doctors because my hair keeps falling out, I asked him:
"What do I do? Do you have anything to keep it in?"
He handed me a cardboard box.

So Britain's most senior black Police officer, Ali Dizaei, has been found guilty of corruption after stabbing himself twice in an attempt to frame someone he'd had a row with.
He's just a rascal, Dizaei rascal...

I went to the doctors last week and said, "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things."
He replied, "take these pills for a week. If that doesn't work, I'll have a 42" Plasma TV."

I HATE it when people don't play by the rules!
Yesterday I called "shotgun" and the police still chucked me in the back!

My wife went to a job interview to become a gynaecologist today.
I don't think she'll get the job though...
There's nothing in her that they haven't seen before.

BBC News: "Police engage in manhunt after hearing about killing spree."
They shouldn't really be playing games at a time like this.

Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us.
Close call.

I'm no detective but has anyone else noticed that all the postmen are up for striking about 3 weeks after all the Cash4Gold adverts started?