The best advice I was ever given to me was by my mum: avoid people who give you drugs.
I haven't seen a doctor in years!

I was stripping down some copper, when suddenly, she awoke.

BBC NEWS: "It took police marksmen 4 bullets to kill the dog, flowers have been left outside the house"
Aren't they forgetting the woman that dog killed?

I see you've tried to commit suicide 5 times,
Your dad was right... you are useless

' I'm feeling very suicidal,what should I do? ' the man said to his Psychiatrist.
' Pay your bill before you leave, ' replied the Psychiatrist.

My therapist told me I have anger issues and have trouble accepting help.
At least I think that's what he said.
I had my foot on his neck at the time

Top Tip: if you can hear the police banging on your door to complain about the noise then it clearly isn't loud enough....

The subtle difference between drink-driving and driving stoned is that when you drive stoned, every car on the road is a police car..

Ive just been told off by the tie police,
They're knot happy

Doctors can bury their mistakes.
Lawyers can imprison theirs.
Architects plant ivy around theirs.
Teachers send theirs into politics.

I should have been a cop i'm always helping them with their inquiries

As a dentist, I am now giving out heroin to kids after their check-ups. That'll teach the doctors to hand out those sugar filled lollys.

BBC News: Murdered policeman is named
That was silly. Any farmer could tell you you're not supposed to name the pigs

Why do the police hate protesters?
Because they're revolting.

I've just developed a condition where I shout and swear at anything that looks remotely oriental.
Doctors are calling it Tibettes

News : 'Shot Policeman Is Critical'.
Perhaps he should go and see my mate Tony, he can fix any PC for just 50.

The boss called one of his employees into his office and told him, "Jenkins, I've decided to make you the plant manager."
"Gee, thanks boss," the worker said. "What do I have to do?"
"Just water them every day."

I've just got a job as a Private Detective.
I don't solve crimes, just mostly keep myself to myself.

Apparently, It's illegal to impersonate a policeman.
So why have we got PCSO's?

I've always wanted to have a taste of being a gynacologist!
That's why I got immediately fired.

I hear the police have set up a hot dog stand outside their station in Nottingham?
Haven't they got anything better to do?

So a copper pulled me over the other day, he said to me 'your tail lights out, thats an on the spot fine mate' i said 'hang on, i can fix that' so i gave the light a kick and it suddenly started working, 'will that be all officer' i sarcarstically grinned, he said 'now try kicking your windscreen, see if the tax appears.'

My wife kept suggesting I put my skills as a mechanic to good use in the bedroom, so I thought I'd give it a go.
I tried a few things, but eventually I jacked it in.

Someone sent me a joke about postmen.
It wasn't delivered well.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.