Police statement on Tottenham Riots:
Peaceful protest hijacked by violent minority.
I wonder which minority that was....

I am highly offended that the police are blaming the recent nights riots on a certain ethnic group.
Just because they couldn't see the perpetrators at night doesn't mean they were black

I went to the doctor the other day and said..
"Doctor, I'm Really depressed, i cant find a girlfriend."
He asked me what my ideal woman would be like and i replied..
"She'd probably be anorexic and afraid of heights."
He looked at me, sighed and said..
"Thats unfortunate, they're thin on the ground"

I went to my doctor and told him that every time I see a Biro lid, I get all sad and tearful. "Tell me," he replied, "how long have you had these pen top emotions?"

I was late to work the other day because the woman on the till was one of those who wanted to tell her life story.
The policeman at the front of the queue was no better - he kept on encouraging her: what did he look like? how tall was he? how many times did he shoot your manager?
I mean, come on, some of us are in a rush!

The government want more police on the streets.
There will be after all the job cuts.

Just been to the doctors where I had my reactions tested. I still cant believe I kicked him in the head!
In hind sight the run up probably wasn't needed.

I went to see a psychiatrist today, he claims i have many social problems including trouble with dealing with authority and that i'm in denial. Particular when handling the truth about myself.
I couldn't believe it.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

Executioners - They're the guys to hang with.

A guy goes to the doctor with sore feet. The doctor examines him and says: "You're going to have to put on a clean pair of socks every day for a week."
By the end of the week he couldn't get his boots on.

I just lost my job as a doctor. This incredibly attractive girl had come in and said, "I'm not feeling myself".
Apparently, "mind if I have a go then?" is not an appropriate answer.

I'm finding it really hard to get a job and don't understand why no-one will employ me.
I'm so broke I might have to sell some of my nose rings.

I went to the Doctors for a check up as I was recovering from a virus.
I said to the Doctor "I hate foreign bodies"
He said "Fortunately for you, your white blood cells have almost fought them all off"
From his response, I think we were on a totally different wave length.

The doctor said "I'm prescribing you this medicine, but I'm not going to tell you the dosage"
I didn't know how to take it.

I got arrested the other day, the copper told me to get in the back of the van
when I got in, there was a box of flakes and a Mr Whippy machine
he said - "Not that van!!"

My doctor told me to take some genteel exercise, so this morning I've been sipping Pimms in a punt.

Officer: "I'm going to have to give you a warning."
Driver: "Fine."
Officer: "If thats what you want."

My doctor has said that I'm very unfit at the moment and should do 10 lengths of the swimming pool each day until things improve. I don't know about anyone else but my lilo has usually gone flat after 5 lengths.

The Doctor gave me a jab the other day.
Got him back with an uppercut.

Due to the rising cost of fuel and impending strikes, I've had to quit my part time job as a freelance arsonist.

Do you think when Community Support officers watch the Windows 7 advert they think "God, I wish I was a PC"

The hardest part of being a Maternity Ward Gynaecologist is being professional and trying not to get erections all the time.
It's not easy though, with all those naked babies around.

Following a robbery in the area, the police were going door to door. When I answered, there was a huge black copper stood on the step.
Got to admit that my initial quip of "Ah poacher turned gamekeeper eh?" did not set us off on the best of terms.

My ex-girlfriend is a Secretary. When she dumped me, she gave me a weeks notice.
On the plus side, she got me a temp.