Afraid to die alone?
Then become a bus driver.

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please,... Break my arms!"

Bored? Lonely? Depressed? No friends?
Become a police community support officer

When the doctor told me I had either constipation or AIDS...
...I quickly found out it was AIDS.

Milk, Milk Lemonade, this is where the Chocolate's made.
Excellent....
Welcome to the NHS Dr Patel.

"What's wrong, miss?" asked the kindly policeman when he saw the girl crying.
"A thief has just stolen 20 I had hidden inside my knickers," she sobbed.
"Did you try to stop him?" inquired the policeman.
The girl replied, "I didn't know he was only after my money."

A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the man to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes, "Taa Daa!"

The NUT said today that testing 11 year olds is a form of child abuse.
If they think that's bad, they clearly haven't been on this site.

Didn't 'Seasonal Affective disorder' just used to be called 'Winter'?

Use the best when it comes to computers!
Apple for graphics
Palm for mobility
Linux for servers
Windows for solitaire

Man: Doctor DOCTOR! my knee hurts!
Doctor: Can you bend it for me?
Man: I'll try...
*snap*
Doctor: I ment the other way!

Can anyone help - I can't remember if you have to report it to the police if you run over a dog. Any advice would be welcome.
Also can you tell me if I can keep her purse.

john came home from the doctor looking very worried.
His wife said, Whats the problem?
He said, The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day
for the rest of my life.
She said, So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day
their whole lives.
He said, I know, but he only gave me four pills!

Man walks into a doctors. "Doctor, doctor, I've got no ventricles," he
said half-heartedly.

I don't know why there's so much controversy here in Britain about having armed police patrolling the streets.
Frankly, the first time I see a policeman with no arms is the time I'll really start to worry...

My favourite painter is that Rorschach guy who paints all the pictures of mutilated corpses

I got arrested for playing chess in the middle of the road.
I said to the officer, "It's cos I'm black, isn't it?"

If I was a doctor I'd lighten the mood by saying things like "I hope that's a tattoo of a cancerous mole on your back."

Police found the bodies of a couple at the foot of beachy head, inside the backpack of one of them was a dead child, but lets be fair, you buy a parachute off ebay, you're asking for trouble.

I'm always a positive person...
I just wish the police would stop testing me.

I saw this guy getting undressed at the gym.
"You're a gynaecologist, aren't you?" I said.
"I am," he said. "How did you know?"
"Oh, just a guess," I said, "but the Rolex around your bicep gave me a clue."

I went to my doctor and said, "I keep getting sudden, overwhelming feelings that I'm Mexican."
He said, "You're having Hispanic attacks."

"Bring your child to work" day is rather awkward here at the abortion clinic.

Did you hear about the gynaecologist who decorated his hall through the letter box?

FOR SALE :
Crystal Ball ....Can't see the future in keeping it.