I don't understand why the police take months to find kidnappers of young children.
The moment it's announced, half of Sickipedia know which user is holding them.
(Which reminds me, who's turn was it to have Maddie this week?)

Why is it strippers always say the same thing? 'I'm paying my way through medical school.'
And, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? You'd think they'd be everywhere.

Whats the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?
A mechanical engineer builds weapons, the civil engineer builds the targets.

I remember when I was young and my dad always used to play tricks on me, like filling ketchup bottles with Tabasco and changing the salt for the sugar.
Never found out what he filled the mayonnaise bottles with, though.

Yesterday at work, I told some paedo jokes from this site.
Today, I'm not a paediatrician anymore.

A man goes to see the Doctor and says, "Doc, I feel as lifeless as a Welsh resort in winter."
The doctor replies, "Goodness me, it sounds like you're Rhyl."

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done."

So the FA is refusing to pay Portsmouth for playing in the FA Cup because they are in administration.
That seems logical.
Now, as a doctor, I have decided to stop giving patients medication because they are ill.

The police are after me, they need a new guitarist.

I had to deliver a parcel to the surgery today.
It was just what the doctor ordered

If you can't beat them...
contact the police and they'll beat them for you.

NEWSFLASH
West Midlands Police are looking for a 6'6", black, serial rapist, with one eye
If they don't catch him they are thinking about opening both of them....

The tablets my doctor has prescribed me are giving me side effects.
I now walk like a crab.

A guy goes to his dentist's and asks him, "What's the best thing for yellow teeth?"
"How about a brown tie?" he replies.

I'm a surgeon in Liposuction.
I prefer to call it Waist Disposal.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I've been feeling terrible... I keep having headaches and my throat hurts really badly."
The doctor looks at him for a moment and says, "Come over here to the window."
He gets up and moves over by the window, and the man follows a little bewilderedly. "Now, stick your tongue out," the doctor tells him.
The man does so, and then the doctor returns to his seat. Still rather bewildered, the man asks, "Er, why did you want me to stick my tongue out? Do you know what's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "No, I just don't like the people in the building opposite."

I went to see my psychiatrist. "It was terrible," I said. "I was away on business and sent my wife a text message to say I'd be home a day early. When I got home, I found her in bed with my best mate - how could she do this to me, how could she?"
"Don't be too hard on her," he said, "perhaps she didn't have her mobile switched on."

I met this really hot girl in the pub last week and I've been trying to get her to go out with me.
I don't think the feelings are mutual though.
Last night she said, "That's him officer."

I went to the doctor for a check -up.
He said, "The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking, lose weight and get more exercise."
I said, "What's the next-best advice?"

I was pulled over by the Police today.
He said, "Do you know why I stopped you?"
I said, "Sorry no, you`ll have to work that one out for yourself officer."

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Oxford and I need some help. If I were to give you 20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

I recently tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview.
They kept asking me trick questions.

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
UK POLICE OFFICER'S ANSWER
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 999?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed days and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?
AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S ANSWER
BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICER'S ANSWER
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Today, I was amazed when I found out the hard way how police now stop criminals.
I was stunned.

The Crimewatch wall of shame, or as I call it: The Blackboard