Quasimodo retired last week.
He got two years back pay and a lump sum.

The sergeant told me that as a constable, it's quite unprofessional of me to sign the bottom of all complaint letters with my initials.
I don't though. It's a mere coincidence that my name is Thomas Lloyd David Richardson.

BBC NEWS: Police in Britain arrest agrophobic teenage 'mastermind' behind worldwide hacking.
Well at least he won't need to fear being outside for a long while...

BBC News - "Rioters cost JD 700,000"
I see that there isn't a similar headline for Waterstones...

"Are fish healthy, doctor?"
"I think so. I've never had to treat any."

'Doctor Doctor! I keep seeing into the future'
'And when did this start?'
'Next tuesday afternoon'

A friend of mine who's a bit of a nut, has joined the army as an officer. He said he wants to become a full kernel.

My Doctor gave me some soul destroying news earlier.
I've got athletes foot.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "how many cigarettes do you smoke per day?"
"That varies," I said. "Some days I smoke 30 to 40, but then there are days when I just can't get enough."

Ate a pig the other day.
Having to lay low for a little while whilst the heat blows over though, turns out the police take cannibalism very seriously.

Well its that time of year to go out joy riding...bonfire night.
Its the only time they dont send out the police helicopter.

Driving to work, I was laughing at the story on the radio about the cop who got suspended for sneaking Duran Duran lyrics into his evidence at court, when I got pulled over. So, chuckling, I wound the window down and said to the officer 'Please, please tell me now - is there something I should know?'.
I never realised truncheons could be so painful...

I just don't know if women like me.
I know when they don't like me because they'll say things like, 'Yeah, that's him, officer.'

Jury blames police for doing nothing to prevent the suicide of Fiona and Francecca Pilkington.
What's the betting that those jurors get their homes ransacked by the drugs squad tomorrow?

How do you defend racism at the work place?
Best part of being a cop, you don't have to.

Everyone should have precautions when going up Jordan's gash ...
Even her Gynaecologist has a caves and mines rescue team on standby

What's black but smells of Pakis?
My truncheon.

I wasn't feeling too good after my operation.
"Come on, go out tonight. I'm sure you'll have a ball" said the Orchiectomy surgeon.

I woke up yesterday morning & found that my skin had turned black. I went straight round to the doctors, who told me "Sorry, there is nothing I can do, you are stuck with it" "Don't you even have any practical advice?" I pleaded.
"Yes" he said "We don't keep anything of value in the surgery overnight"

People sometimes ask if it bothers me that a police station is right beside my house.
I actually like it because if I get arrested in town, it's a lot cheaper than taking a cab home.

My dad lets no one stand in his way.
He's a bulldozer operator.

So 8 Strathclyde Police officers have listed their religion as Jedi.
Let the force jokes begin.

Why do Traffic Wardens have a yellow line round their hat?
So people don't park on their heads.

My psychiatrist told me I have delusions of grandeur.
Which is strange because the Queen herself once told me the same thing.

Man enters the doctors office and sits down. He says to the doctor "what is it doctor - you asked to see me?"
The doctor replies, "yeah I've got some news".
The man says, "what is it - you've already told me I've got chlamydia - how worse can it get?".
The doctor says, "no I gave you the wrong test results - you don't have chlamydia!".
"Oh my god that's great news, thank you doctor"
"Yes, but Some other patient has your test results - I need you to go and swap results with him" said the doctor.
The man replies, "I can't do that; that's awful, you want me to break the news to him, it's awful news to give someone".
The doctor replies, "No he'll be over the moon - he's got Aids".