After much consideration, a childless couple decide to try artificial insemination. The woman goes to the clinic for her first appointment and is told to take her knickers off and place her feet in the stirrups. When she is ready the doctor comes in and proceeds to remove his trousers too, saying, "Well, you wanted to get pregnant. We are out of bottled stuff so you'll have to settle for draught."

Police arrested two boys. One was eating fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid...
They charged one and let the other off.

You've gotta take your hat off to hairdressers.

I went to a psychiatrist last week. I felt people kept taking advantage of me. I'm going back tomorrow to finish decorating the surgery .

I was going to sue my Neurosurgeon until he changed my mind

Homeless man killed in fight with another tramp over magazine pitch.
Police investigating have said It's not a Big Issue.

I was interviewed by the police this afternoon. During the interview, they asked me if I knew anything about the recent spate of racist attacks on a black family living locally. They alleged someone had graffitied their house with racist slogans and carried out a string of physical attacks on the family.
I said, "Yes officer, that was me."
To which the interviewing officer replied, "Congratulations, sir, you've got the job. If you head down to stores, they'll sort you out with your new uniform. You start on Monday."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?
I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer

I'm not a Gynaecologist,
but I'll take a look.

So, Team GB keep dropping the baton in the relay race.
We should have got the police to run for us, their great at beating a bunch of darkies with batons.

The other day I asked my hairdresser if I could have highlights,and he showed me a video of past haircuts.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot if you run from a fat policeman...

If you were to take all of the students in the UK who fall asleep in their lectures and lay them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.

Actual Medical Chart Notes
*Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused autopsy.
*The patient has no previous history of suicides.
*Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
*Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
*I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
*Skin: somewhat pale but present
.
*The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

The Metropolitan Police Air Support Unit.
Because pigs CAN fly.

Went to the doctors the other day. I said, "doctor ,you've got to help me - I keep having visions of the future."
He replied, "when did these start?"
I said, "next Thursday!"

NEWSFLASH
West Midlands Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels, stockings, suspenders and crotchless knickers in connection with an armed robbery.
The Chief Constable has said they must wear their normal uniforms though.

I've been sacked from my job as a lifeguard.
Whilst using the cripple-crane to hoist a handicapped girl into the pool, and her helper saying;
'Mind her head on the side..' Replying with;
'It's not really going to make much difference though, is it?
Is considered somewhat unprofessional.

What's the difference between a secretary and a cannon?
You wouldn't fire a cannon that doesn't blow properly

What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and an OFSTED inspector?
One tucks features...

"Shotgun!" I called, smugly, as we walked towards the car.
"No, get in the back."
"But I called shotgun!" I protested.
"Sir, I've had a long day, just get in the back of the police car."

If I owned an opticians, I'd have them do the shop sign in a blurred font.

A lawyer was trying to undermine a policeman's credibility...
Q: 'Officer - did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several streets away.'
Q: 'Officer - who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

My girlfriend said she wants to be a comedian.
"You'll be just as succesful as all those other female comedians out there," I told her.
"Like who?"
"Exactly."

Went to the doctors today. I asked the bloke sitting next to me what he was in for.
"Terrible piles," he said.
"Is that why you're sitting on that bean bag?"
"What bean bag?" he replied.