My doctor said, "How badly has the amnesia affected you?"
I said, "Amnesia?"

What do you call an artist with asthma?
Van Cough

It's good to know that the national budget is being spent wisely on designer gear for Riot Police.
Ive just seen two walk past with yellow CK helmets

The police are on the look out for a subatomic particle that has broken the law, it was last seen breaking the speed of light.

Man enters the doctors office and sits down. He says to the doctor "what is it doctor - you asked to see me?"
The doctor replies, "yeah I've got some news".
The man says, "what is it - you've already told me I've got chlamydia - how worse can it get?".
The doctor says, "no I gave you the wrong test results - you don't have chlamydia!".
"Oh my god that's great news, thank you doctor"
"Yes, but Some other patient has your test results - I need you to go and swap results with him" said the doctor.
The man replies, "I can't do that; that's awful, you want me to break the news to him, it's awful news to give someone".
The doctor replies, "No he'll be over the moon - he's got Aids".

A Nottingham policeman's favourite snack - Hot Dogs

My psychiatrist told me I have delusions of grandeur.
Which is strange because the Queen herself once told me the same thing.

I used to work in a supermarket as the person who hands out free samples
But i was asked to leave after the cups of bleach incident...

I used to be a rent boy until the bottom dropped out of the market

Saw a game of football today between a load of Hospital Doctors v Admin Staff
I have to say some of the on field play was clinical

In the United Kingdom it is illegal for the police to strike.
Well if they did.whose going to arrest them

I was fascinated to see that CCTV video of the police officer who threw a woman to the floor. I was expecially impressed by the way they managed to edit out the cooker, fridge and sink from the video.

Got pulled over by a police woman today... didn't know the kitchen had a speed limit.

I'm making a fortune teaching maths to "special needs" people.
They'll never realise that I grossly overcharge them and that their accounts are incorrect.
Not with the way I teach them maths, they won't.

I was pulled over by the police yesterday
The cop asked if I had any marajuana in the vehicle
Apparently replying with "why, how much do you need?" is neither wise nor clever..........

I went to the doctor about my persistent laughter.
He gave me some pills but I was laughing so hard I spat them back out.
He frowned and said, 'You need to take them seriously for them to work.'

Respect to all those who risk their lives every day to make the world we live in a safer place.
God bless electricians.

Egyptians go to the poles today, and I hope they nick their jobs.

Apparently everyone hates the Polish for coming over here and taking our jobs.
Not Sean Connery though, he seems to think they all fight crime.

A chav walked into a hospital.
"Are you here for the transfusion?" asked the doctor,
"Yes, blud."

I've got a temporary job emptying portable toilets.
I'm going to see how it pans out.

There's something strange in my neighborhood!
I think I'll call Ghostbusters...they're better than the riot police!!

Black people getting shot at, I'm beginning to think they like it.

A man goes to see a Psychiatrist.
' I had the worst dream of my life last night.I dreamt I was dancing with twelve of the most beautiful girls in the world, ' said the man.
' What was so bad about that, ' asked the Psychiatrist.
' I was the third girl from the end, 'replied the man. '

I was talking to this guy in a pub and he told me he worked as a debt collector.
"That probably doesn't make you very popular," I said.
"Quite the opposite," he said. "Most people I visit ask me to come back another time."