People sometimes ask if it bothers me that a police station is right beside my house.
I actually like it because if I get arrested in town, it's a lot cheaper than taking a cab home.

I woke up yesterday morning & found that my skin had turned black. I went straight round to the doctors, who told me "Sorry, there is nothing I can do, you are stuck with it" "Don't you even have any practical advice?" I pleaded.
"Yes" he said "We don't keep anything of value in the surgery overnight"

I wasn't feeling too good after my operation.
"Come on, go out tonight. I'm sure you'll have a ball" said the Orchiectomy surgeon.

What's black but smells of Pakis?
My truncheon.

Everyone should have precautions when going up Jordan's gash ...
Even her Gynaecologist has a caves and mines rescue team on standby

How do you defend racism at the work place?
Best part of being a cop, you don't have to.

Jury blames police for doing nothing to prevent the suicide of Fiona and Francecca Pilkington.
What's the betting that those jurors get their homes ransacked by the drugs squad tomorrow?

I was fascinated to see that CCTV video of the police officer who threw a woman to the floor. I was expecially impressed by the way they managed to edit out the cooker, fridge and sink from the video.

I used to work in a supermarket as the person who hands out free samples
But i was asked to leave after the cups of bleach incident...

I used to be a rent boy until the bottom dropped out of the market

Saw a game of football today between a load of Hospital Doctors v Admin Staff
I have to say some of the on field play was clinical

In the United Kingdom it is illegal for the police to strike.
Well if they did.whose going to arrest them

Got pulled over by a police woman today... didn't know the kitchen had a speed limit.

I'm making a fortune teaching maths to "special needs" people.
They'll never realise that I grossly overcharge them and that their accounts are incorrect.
Not with the way I teach them maths, they won't.

I was pulled over by the police yesterday
The cop asked if I had any marajuana in the vehicle
Apparently replying with "why, how much do you need?" is neither wise nor clever..........

I went to the doctor about my persistent laughter.
He gave me some pills but I was laughing so hard I spat them back out.
He frowned and said, 'You need to take them seriously for them to work.'

Respect to all those who risk their lives every day to make the world we live in a safer place.
God bless electricians.

Egyptians go to the poles today, and I hope they nick their jobs.

A chav walked into a hospital.
"Are you here for the transfusion?" asked the doctor,
"Yes, blud."

I was woken up by the bin men this morning.
They broke into my house and abducted my wife.

On a construction site there was a heated debate among craftsmen which would be the oldest profession on earth:
Mason:
-We are the oldest craftsmen, who do you think builded the pyramids and temples thousands of years ago ......
Painter:
-Oh I don't think so, since the days when people lived in caves the walls were painted with colours and figures ... that is sort of "painting"
While they were discussing it, there goes the electrician, hearing the discussion, and says:
- Ok guys, to finish the discussion, when God said "Let there be light!".... the cables were already installed!

My friend wants to be a bin man when he's older.
He's got rubbish aspirations.

"You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence"
"Please don't hit me again, officer"

Apparently everyone hates the Polish for coming over here and taking our jobs.
Not Sean Connery though, he seems to think they all fight crime.

A man goes to see a Psychiatrist.
' I had the worst dream of my life last night.I dreamt I was dancing with twelve of the most beautiful girls in the world, ' said the man.
' What was so bad about that, ' asked the Psychiatrist.
' I was the third girl from the end, 'replied the man. '