I was studying to be a proctologist but flunked out due to bad depth perception.

My doctor said Your recovery was a miracle!
I replied Praise God. Now I don't have to pay you.

I've always wanted to be a doctor.
But I've never had the patience.

After i leave for school theres always something i forget.
yeasterday, my keys
today it was my camcorder and binoculars!

People are always so thankful to doctor's for being the part of society that cures people, but really each time I visit a doctor, all that happens is that he slightly delays my death.

I got some cream from the doctor today.
Which was strange because he wasn't really my type.

A doctor tells his patient, "I bring two pieces of grave news, One is that you will be dead by tomorrow. The other is that I forgot to tell you yesterday".

9/11 - Responsible for the deaths of thousands and the breakdown of families across America.
Mind you, our 999 emergency service is pretty useless too.

I thought you had to be smart to be a doctor,
if I'd known you could make a career out of shrugs and 'dunno' I would be a lot richer right now!

I see that 'Dr Death' has been jailed for killing 3 patients in Australia. What mystifies me is why anyone would go to a surgeon named Dr Death. Surely the clue is in the name.

I just failed my pilot test
Apparently 9/11 was not a good enough

Today, I saw a policeman pull a car over. The guy driving it was wearing a neon orange jumpsuit.
I never knew the fashion police were real.

I met this amazing bloke today. It was spooky what he knew about me.
I wondered if he had ever thought about doing this for a living like Derren Brown.
I thought I would ask him after he had finished taking my fingerprints.

I rang the Surgeons Direct helpline this morning.
All of their operators were busy.

"What do your sisters do?"
"One's an accountant, the other's studying medicine in Canada."
"And what about your brother?"
"He's with Special Branch."
"Wow, I bet he gets paid well."
"No idea. They only picked him up yesterday."

Telegraph: A police marksman who shot Mark Saunders broke down in tears as he told an inquest: "I didn't want to kill anyone".
Right, because if you really don't want to kill anyone 'police marksman' is the job for you.

I was arrested by the Metropolitan Police Close-Harmony Singers for busking without a permit.
I had to accompany them to the station.

The lads at work said I lack conviction.
"Five years you've been here and not one arrest," one said. "Call yourself a detective."

As a doctor you see some weird things.
A man came into my office today with an erection that had lasted 3 days so far.
Apparently giving him a puzzled look and saying "but what goes up must come down" wasn't what he was looking for.

I'm moving to Jamaica to become a hairdresser.
Quite frankly I'm dredding it.

What have been holding communication together between blacks and whites?
,,You have the right to remain silent''.

Policeman stopped me in my car last night and asks me to get out so he can search inside the vehicle.
He sits on the drivers seat rummaging through the glove box, ash tray and side pockets,then turns to me and asks:
"is there anything in your car that shouldn't be?"
"just a fat pig!" I replied.

I think PCSO's do valuable work.
Without them, how would we know where the nearest cashpoint is ?

I went to see a shrink this morning
I came back 3 feet 6 .....

This NHS Direct is brilliant, just like going to the doctors.
Logged in and input all my symptoms and it gave me a diagnosis and printed out what tablets to take.
In a font I couldn't read.