A guy was fixing a hot girl's washing machine and when he was done, she decided to try to get it cheap, so she asked: "shall I give you 50 quid or shall I take my pants off.". The guy thought for a second and answered: "better give me the money, I doubt your pants would fit me"

I dropped some coppers yesterday.
They won't be knocking on my door again.

Just took my pork pie back to the butchers after finding a curved penny in it.
It's not the first time a bent copper has been found in Melton Mowbray.

Get free parking anywhere you like by smashing a couple of your car's windows, ripping out your radio and placing a notice on the windscreen reading "Police Aware".
If you need longer than a few hours, you may have to temporarily burn out your car.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...
If you throw hard enough.

My Social Worker has said she will get me back to work "By Hook or by Crook".
If I'm honest, I'd prefer Piracy over Sheep Farming.

I went to the doctors today as i was feeling really under the weather.
My doctor took one look at me and said "Take off all your clothes"
He then proceded to rub a thick layer of salt over my skin and then pumped smoke from a machine over my entire body.
I dont know what he did but i think that i'm Cured.....

My Mum's turn during a family hangman game last New Year: "Your Dad cleans my what every week?"
V _ LV _
I really wished she drove a Volvo.

Can someone please explain this...
The police have been reminded that they are servants and not masters, yet when I told the big black cop outside tesco to polish my shoes he beat me round the head?
Oh well, I think I'll call 999 and ask for a mug of coco and a hot water bottle, that should make me feel better

American Police Moto : "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

i went for a colonoscopy yesterday and was quite worried, but luckily i got the thumbs up.

I tried to look up my psychiatrist's skirt.
I would have seen more if it wasn't for her Freudian slip.

Why are all T.V. chefs angry?
Because they have a girls job.

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles."

If its an offence to imitate a police officer.... then why do we have community police officers ...

I went to the doctor and told him I'm addicted to Train Spotting.
He told me I was Anoraksic.

I've just been fined for jaywalking.
Although, the police are calling it "public use of cannabis."

"Police are appealing to the public."
I think you'll find they aren't.

So this vehicle with blue flashing lights and a loud tune sped right past me today. I thought to myself "He won't sell many ice creams driving that fast".

I went to the doctor's today and he gave me six months to live.
He told me I should do something I've always wanted to do.
Luckily for me I've always wanted to live to 100.

A man went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," he pleaded. "Every time I date a girl, I end up in bed with her. And afterward, I dump her and then feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"No!" he exclaimed. "I just want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

I think I've lost interest in my career as a mime artist.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Saw two blokes having an argument down the pub last night.
One said, "What's your problem?"
The other replied, "Nothing mate. What's your problem?"
Nosey mathematicians. What are they like?

My girlfriend loves her job as a fruit machine designer.
But she really wants a baby, so she's putting her career on hold for a while.

After hours of carefully infiltrating a well-known drug dealers hideout, all of the drug dealers managed to get away, furious the leading Police Chief looks for his second in command, he shouts;
'I thought I told you men to watch all the exits!'
'But sir' replies the officer 'We did watch all the exits'
'So, how did all the drug dealers manage to escape?'
'Through the entrance sir'