I warned my friend I'd be round in a jiffy, so I don't know why he was surprised when I turned up outside his house dressed in a large padded envelope.

Tried my hand at masturbation.
I picked it up in 2 minutes.

Saw a disabled kid at the fair today, he was having a wheelie good time

What do you call a fish that's fallen over?
Carpsized.

I was fired from my Job with 'The News of The World' for racist behaviour when reporting on the expected re-collaboration of Cheryl Cole and Will.I.Am
To be fair, the headline "Spades dig Cole" should have been right up their street...

She was only a welder's daughter.
She had acetylene legs.

I used to own a banana costume but it split.

I applied for a job as a Child Psychologist but apparently I'm too old.

A mate told me "you are what you eat".
That does explain why I'm scared all the time...

I used to have a job underground, but never mined.

Superlatives are the best thing in the world.

I grew up in an Orphanage.
It was nothing to write home about.

I booted a spastic in the face the other day.
I just love to kick things when they're down.

There'll be trouble from a little country in the Middle East soon.
Just Kuwait and see.

As an athlete it is very important that I condition myself right for the up coming olympics.
My hair is going to look amazing.

What's Nick Griffin's favourite part of a supermarket?
The Czech Out.

These jokes about the Batman shootings are the Bane of my existence.

I've had to stop collecting packs of cards.
I've got a full house.

If you like fish, then you shoulda put herring on it.

I went to the weigh in for the Haye vs Harrison fight.
But the door was locked

I think my pumpkin really enjoys Halloween. Every Halloween weekend his face always lights up!

Due to falling profits the company Fairy has gone into Liquidation.

My crazy wife dresses her garden gnomes up like supermodels.
The one's called Gnomi Campbell.

I like my women how I like my umbrellas. Thrown in the cellar, saved for a rainy day.

Went into the kitchen last night and my grandmother was there wearing a cow girl outfit and jumping up and down on the stove.
I said to her "Get off the cooker Grandma you're too old to ride the range".