I think my pumpkin really enjoys Halloween. Every Halloween weekend his face always lights up!

I went to the weigh in for the Haye vs Harrison fight.
But the door was locked

If you like fish, then you shoulda put herring on it.

I've had to stop collecting packs of cards.
I've got a full house.

I once knew a guy with Alzheimer's who got himself arrested intentionally.
He didn't know what he was in for.

If there is a wild goose and your trying to chase it, and someone leads you away from your hunt, are you closer or further away from your objective than you were before?

I've just heard it took the mexican fire brigade almost an hour to extinguish the flames.
They couldn't find a jose long enough.

Skydiving accidents.
Putting the terminal into terminal velocity.

My mate pointed to a girl in the park and said
''Would you tap that?''
''No.'' I said. ''I would whack it and unwrap it.''

My mate asked if I wanted to go to a parade at 5.00 in the morning, but I wasn't up for it

Newspaper headline:
'Heavily Disfigured Face Covered in Silicone Oil Found in Bin'
Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

I pretended to be an African tribal doctor for a day.
Shaman me.

I once knew a Norse God but he was diagnosed with Leukaemia and I lost contact with him for 3 years.
I saw him today and he was Baldr

Carpet fitting is ok. But it does have its flaws.

What do you call a black man after plastic surgery?
A re-formed criminal

I threatened my caterpillar farm that I would turn them into soup.
But they managed to wriggle their way out of it.

Saw this Cushion that looking amazingly comfy so I jumped head first into it ... Woke up 3 days later. Turns out it was a con-cushion

What do you call it when someone can't see, smell, hear, feel or speak?
Nonsense.

I had to buy a belt sander - I couldn't quite get the leather through the little loops on my jeans.

I was watching a TV show about Alan Davies getting arthritis.
Jonathan Creak

I was waiting for a bus the other day, when it hit me:
I probably should've been standing at the bus stop, not in the middle of the road.

Whenever I say "You are sentenced to 4 years in prison," I say it with conviction

I'm going to stork using wading bird puns from heron.

I was going to to tell you a tale, of the night I escaped from a car park's second level to the third.
But, that's a different story.

I have a vested interest in the undergarment world.