I listened to a song about frisbees.
It was catchy.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it...
You can say that again...

The average ghost is mean spirited.

I tried going out with a faulty computer mouse once, but it just didn't click.

I'm going to stork using wading bird puns from heron.

What do you call the most annoying dinosaur ever?
A Vuvuzilla.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

I can only get a hard-on when a girl dresses up in my favourite Star Wars costume.
I've got a Boba Fettish.

When the world's shortest woman landed at my local airport, I was centimetre.

I can't stand piercings, they go right through me.

This bloke in the pub said "I remember you! You sold me that broken alarm clock two months ago."
It didn't ring a bell.

When I met my ex-wife, we were both students, and she told me she was studying astronomy.
"Intelligent girl, this," I thought, and married her.
After we married and she got fat and ugly, I realised I must have misheard. She'd said "gastronomy".

I was asked recently if I'd like to join a band, as they could really do with my finger snapping technique for the choruses.
I told them I wasn't interested in joining their clique.

Just finished reading the yellow pages. It was ok but had way too many characters.

I keep having visions where I run after the perfect plumbing system
I should stop before I end up chasing a pipe dream

I'm rehearsing for a play about botox.
Going through the lines in my head.

The outside of my house was looking shabby. So I added a pier and two old donkeys.
That should Brighton it up!

My boss told me to make a film about something which holds paper together.
Unfortunately, I only showed him a few clips.

Just bought some vacant land. Not sure how much it is, but I know it's a lot

I've got the opticians tomorrow.
That's something to look forward to.

Arabia's got talent.
Their performances will blow you away.

Why did Ian Paisley carry a pushbike under his arm?
He was holding a Raleigh

Modesty is a very attractive quality.
One that I don't need.

Oxy-moron: Someone who abuses their right to breathe oxygen eg. Katie Price

"It aint over till the fat lady sings"
I take it whoever coined that phrase was at a Kerry Katona book signing.